The FIVE legged stool

You may have heard the analogy about life being a three legged stool? One leg for family and friends, one for work attainment/career and one for your personal wellbeing/interests, hobbies etc. The idea is that you need to have balance in life, all three legs need to be equally long, otherwise you will fall down...

My stool has five legs.

1) Toddler E

2) Husband

3) Work/Career

4) Friends and other family

5) Me (exercise and other me-time)

Legs nr 1 and 3 are pretty stable and takes all my energy right now. Nr 4 is actually not that bad - it's easier to go out on my own with friends (and for the H on his own...) than for the H and I to do things together... hence nr 2 is not very stable at the moment, and leg nr 5 is non-existing...

The H pointed out the other day that he felt he didn't know me anymore as we never talked... ouch. That hurt. My reaction? Can we talk about this in January?

I just don't have any spare energy left.

Loving my job though! And things WILL slow down in Q1...

Stuck in the US of A...

So our flight had to turn back to the US and sort of emergency land at JFK as one of the engines had died... I say sort of as it was like a normal landing but obviously not where we were meant to land and they weren't all that worried about it. Sort of not really an emergency. More of an invonvenience. We were then shipped to a gritty Holiday Inn to sleep and are now hanging around the lobby waiting to know when we can get back in the air again.

I started crying when I heard as I was counting the hours to see little E again and got so sad when it was postponed further for me.... I have to "harden the fuck up" as all these tears aren't really my style but it was really emotional to not be able to cuddle up with little E this morning either.... but I guess focus should be that I am safe, and not rutting away at the bottom of the Atlantic somewhere...

All in all this week has been really good - I have thoroughly enjoyed only having to worry about myself, me me me!!! for the first time since E was born, and also to sleep through the nights... Going to the toilet on my own is also a lovely experience, something I've spent too many years not appreciating before E :-)

But now... I really just want to get back to her, cuddle, play, cuddle, play... and every hour they keep me away is hurting me now... Come on Branson!!!! oh... news announced... we need to move to the airport for further information... tbc

Conflicting emotions... (good mum/bad mum)

Am in a nice hotel in Boston when I am writing this, on my own, enjoying a nice, cold glass of savignon blanc, working away, getting things done, noone asking for my attention or help... and it is lovely...

...however when I saw "little girl E" (she is not a baby anymore so would be wrong to keep calling her that..) on skype earlier today, pointing to the screen and laughing, my heart hurt and the tears started coming. I do miss her so.

The flight over here two days ago was dreadful. I cried the entire time. Didn't help that I watched "the time travelers wife" which is a tear jerker in good conditions... I caught some empathetic looks from fellow passengers as well as some "get a grip" looks...

I am, as you can gather from the above, away from little girl E for a week's training with my job. First time I am away from her for longer than a day/night and whilst it is very hard for me and I miss her so much, it is also very nice to only have myself to worry about for once. I have to extend an apology to all the parents I know that I haven't really understood in the past when they have been expressing how difficult it is to be away from the little ones. I am sorry. I had no idea how much they get to feel like a part of you...

Anyways. I am LOVING my new job. It feels like I have ARRIVED! It is a great company, I have a great team, and it just feels right. I got into the swing of things scarily quickly - think it took me a couple of hours before it felt like working is the norm again... guess the 15 years of working in a business environment wins over the 13 months of working with being home with little one. And... it IS actually working really well. At least when all is "normal", i.e little girl E is not sick, the H is home etc. We have had a couple of weeks when E has been a bit poorly and also the H has been away and that is hard. But when everything is working, it works... E loves her nursery and is picking up lots of tricks from the other children and the carers there. I get the mornings to get to work early, the H takes the mornings with E. Then I do have to really rush in the afternoon to make it in time to pick up E, but that works fine too. The three hours we get in the evenings are actually really good quality time as well. I don't feel I miss out much. Really. Of course, it really requires a good team. Again, how single parents make it, I have no idea. Respect!

Writing this I do feel a bit teary as I miss the little one so, but at the same time, I really look forward to a night of undisturbed sleep... and a morning all to myself.... Life is never straightforward is it?

All she ever wanted was everything!

Today was the last day of my maternity leave. Monday our new life is starting. My emotions are all over the place, and baby E (well... toddler now really...) has never been cuter or sweeter and our bond has never been stronger. I am so so so scared that this will not be the case when I go to work but need need need to do this, really feel a huge need to have an exciting and fulfilling job as well, and an urgent almost psysical need to use my brain again....

There is a very suitable painting in our bedroom of a woman juggling all sorts of things with the text: "All she ever wanted was everything"... never felt more fitting!

Wish me luck!

ch ch ch ch ch chaaaanges!

Hurray! I am starting a new, really great job beginning of October. It is perfect, and just what I wanted!

Hurray! Ellinor has been offered a place at our favorite nursery, starting the schooling in next week!

Help!! I am absolutely petrified about leaving her... not because I fear she will not be well taken care of, I am 100% convinced she will be absolutely fine at nursery and have so much fun (was there today for an hour for a first orientation, and she went for all the toys straight away, and didn't want to leave...) but I have this silly fear that our relationship will change. We are so close now, and I love it... would hate to let that go. At the same time, can't wait to get back to work... am not fit to be at home all the time, was starting to go a bit stir crazy to be honest.

Help again! Also have this fear that I can't make it work with a high powered job requiring a lot of time and effort and a family... but I want to make it work, I kind of have to make it work otherwise there is something very very wrong in our world....

All advice from working mothers most welcomed!

Is taking care of an active and curious 11.5 month old not seen as working??

My darling husband, the H, is working a lot from home these days. As am I obviously. I can't explain to him why, but I NEED HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE during the daytime.... it is just cramping our style having him there all the time. I feel really bad about feeling this way because

a) I can't rationalize/explain it
b) Ellinor gets to see her dad for a few minutes every now and then throughout the day when he is working from home
c) He likes working from home...

Having said all that, a few years ago, I remember him saying that we could never both be working from home at the same time... something he now doesn't agree with anymore. Does that mean he thinks that taking care of an active and curious 11.5 month old isn't working????

Bah

Too cute!

If you haven't seen Evians baby commercial, you have to check this out, it is too cute!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQcVllWpwGs&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fmamavaganza%2Eblogspot%2Ecom%2F&feature=player_embedded

BOB the Builder - CAN HE FIX IT?

So. Back from a four week !! break in Sweden (will write separate blog about this soon!) We had commissioned builders to do some work during this time, giving them three week to finish knowing they'd take longer than promised. Anyone think they were done after four weeks? F*** no. Not only was the house in total total chaos, with thick layers of builders dust everywhere... but only half of the jobs were done, and some of them to quite dismal quality even.... so, we had to clean the house properly and then escape to an hotel, as the builders were coming back to fix some of their c*** ups.

I was humming the Muppet show theme tune as they were working along..... "it's time to play the music..." Grrrrrrrrrrrrr

It also makes me think of my good friends little two year old belting out: "BOB the builder, CAN HE FIX IT? BOB the builder, YES HE CAN!

In our case this would be more like: "TOM the builder, can he fix it? Tom the builder, NO F******* WAY! N

Growing an adult?

How scary is this.... little baby E will one day be a grown woman, like me.... HOW is that possible? How can I prepare her for all the pitfalls and dangers in life when I have myself fallen into most of them? How can I prevent her doing same mistakes I've done?

How can I make sure she is a better daughter to me than I ever was to my mother?

Again, so sorry mum!!!!!!!

Scary 40!

Ha ha! Am planning a scary 40th birthday party on Halloween! Ha ha ha!!! Am enjoying the planning and really looking forward to having all my friends there to celebrate, so do plan a trip to London if you consider yourself a friend :-) Invitation to follow soon-ish!

40. Huga. big 4-0.... sounds SO much older than I feel. Should I have a midlife crisis now?

I want it all... I want it all... I want it ALL, and I want it NOW!

The Queen of Queen said it best... "I want it all..."

Am at a stage now when I am starting to feel a bit restless, and very very bored with the "baby talk" and baby actitivities that fills our day. I think a lot about returning to work - i.e finding a job as I am out of contract, and am currently finetuning my CV. Am procastinating a bit though, as am also not at all sure how on earth I can combine an interesting job with being there for baby E or how I can even manage emotionally, to outsource the care of her during the daytime... All my previous jobs, have been quite demanding, long hours and lots and lots ot travel, which I normally like, but with baby finding hard to accept.... but also, don't want to step too far down the career ladder either, as that would feel like a failure. There has got to be a way to combine career and family life right!??

I have to believe that I can have it all somehow. Just need to figure out how.

Accidental parenting...

Anyone tried the "pick up put down" sleep training method championed by "the baby whisperer"?

We have fallen into the trap of rocking baby E to sleep in the chair and now she can't get herself back to sleep on her own when she wakes up in the middle of the night. She is also fighting sleep like a fiery terrier... she may miss something if she shuts those pretty blues you know... exploring, exploring, life is simply to fun fun fun! :-) I also tend to take her into our bed when she is difficult to settle back to sleep around 04.00 when I am shattered... bad habits I know...

Anyways, time to fix this. Soon. Is also very nice and cuddly with her next to me though... but I don't sleep and am loosing it soon, so. Needs must. Really! Next week!

Nothing really changes...

....funny how quickly I fell back into old ways... when my lovely wonderful friends BB and miss Prada, took "mama out tonight" last week, I found myself by the bar, late at night, ordering Sambucas for us that none of us really needed... oh dear, and I thought I'd grown up a little with parenthood....

THANKS again BB and miss Prada, for a smashing night! You are the best!

...and so sorry baby E for all the future embarrasing stories you may hear about your mamma....

Take your Mama out tonight! (tomorrow)

Yippey!!! End of an era, am quitting breastfeeding tomorrow and am being taken out by two of my good London friends to celebrate in style!! First time since I found out I was pregnant in Dec07! I am giddy with excitement like a little girl...

... and at the same time scared and quite a bit sad... I have found breastfeeding such a nice and bonding thing and I will really miss it. At the same time can't wait to get back the control of my own body... I have blogged about this before, so will not bore you now -

... guess we will have to have a second baby eventually quite simply! :-)

... but for now - bring on tomorrow night! This MAMA is ready to rock n' roll! :-)

God mothers, less the god bit... and less the mothers bit...

I do not believe in god, any god at all... but I still wanted baby E to have godparents... the reason for this is simply to have 1-2 other adults apart from the family, who is paying a special interest as she grows up. I had such great exchange with my godmother, who sadly passed away before she turned 50, and who baby E is named after, when I was growing up, so was looking to give baby E a similar set up.

We are very happy with our two godmothers (pure coincidence that the two most suitable candidates that also accepted, were women) for baby E, and I am convinced that they will provide that special connection as she grows up.

The question was how to get around the god bit... I started off wanting a baptism ceremony of sorts, but couldn't get my head around it... It didn't feel right to force her into a church like that - that should be her choice when she is an adult... and also didn't want to make a too big thing out of it. A naming ceremony felt a bit too... "new age-y hippi-ish" for us... so we ended up having a lovely lunch, just baby E, the H and I and the two godmothers. Perfect!

Now the remaining question is what to call them, as there is no god involved, nor are they really mothers (yet...). I suggested pasta-parents as I do believe in the flying spagetti monster... but the H put his foot down (he is a little bit religious but funnily enough not fussed about baptism or godparents at all, he thinks it's a nice thing, but nothing he would insist on...)

Suggestions?

May I go to the gym pretty please?

What I am finding the hardest about being a mum after 38.5 years of total independence, is that I am no longer the boss of my own time.... the H is very much a teamplayer, wanting to spend time with baby E, and help me to get some "me-time" but even so, I constantly feel as if I am asking for permission to do something and obviously have to work with his schedule as well.

So the old life of being the boss of my own time is gone for the next 18 years or so... and that is probably what I am finding to be the most difficult change.

NO!

If i have to sing "the wheels of the bus go round and round" or any similarly silly song with lots of mumsy women with silly highpitched voices ever again, I WILL SCREAM

I also cannot surive another lunch/pic nic/coffee etc ONLY talking about what our babies are and are not doing.

THERE ARE MORE THINGS TO TALK ABOUT!

PS: Yep, the breastfeeding hormones are definately on their way out.....

Dummies. Not that dumb really.

I dropped E's dummy into the bag of one of the other mum's yesterday at baby swimming, and checked with the mum in question that it wasn't hers before retrieving it. She smirked (yes, REALLY) and said "no, no, my Ben doesn't have a dummy" with the emphasis on "dum". I am not kidding. The ugly, boring, repulsive woman who was desperately trying to calm her squirming, messy, screaming little boy SMIRKED.

I don't know about you, but i wouldn't call a device that gives babies comfort and fulfills their sucking needs something to smirk about... in Sweden it is called a Napp, which has no connotations to stupidness and there seems to be a much broader acceptance of using a Napp than here in the UK. Maybe if it was called something else people wouldn't have such stupid reactions to it?

Desperate Housewife

Best to never let mums and dads on maternity/paternity leave out of the house... We have had two holidays the last month, one diving, one skiing (I know, luxury and totally against the sign of the times :-) and it has been GREAT. I got a taste of my old life pre baby back as we had the in laws with us for the diving, and then took turns to babysit for the skiing trip. This was fabulous, but also dangerous as I am now climbing the walls.... Also think my hormones are leaving my body at the same rate as we are cutting back on the breastfeeding meaning I am getting back to normal. Meaning I am sooooooooooooo bored in our (lovely) house and need to get out to not become totally apathetic and just watch crap TV (such as desperate housewifes...)

Still loving to be with baby E - just going crazy in the house so need to get out a lot. Luckily it is spring in London and we have been picnicing for four hours today :-)

I think I must be the worst housewife material in the entire world... I can't even be asked to empty the dishwasher.... hope that mormor (Swedish grandmother) stays healthy and energetic for many more years, otherwise little E will not know what homemade food is....

Everything is changing...

Baby E is six months next week. SIX months. Half a year.... how did that happen? And all of a sudden everything is changing. She now sleeps in her own room, in her cotbed rather than next to me in a Moses Basket, she now eats solids and we are cutting back on the milk, she now goes on walks in the big girl stroller rather than the carrycot..... and her mum is having withdrawal symptoms.

There was a lot of talk about Post natal depression, but not a word about "post breastfeeding and sleeping in the same room" depression during my NCT course..........

Bjorn Again!

As amusing the thought of the serious and scary ex-KGB agent, Putin, shaking his booty to Bjorn Again - that wasn't what I meant to write about here.

What I was going to write about is how fun and amazing life is with a baby who keep seeing things for the very first time, and EVERYTHING is exciting! The shade from a lamp, mummys feet, her own feet, daddys nose, her own nose, a funny noise, a bright picture, a song, blowing a raspberry, mummys silly dancing etc etc.

She really is very easily amused (and she may think the same about me as she makes me giggle all the time....)

Baby fluids....

...so today, all before 10.00... little baby E has pooed, peed, spat and thrown up on me....

Good thing she is so bloody cute!

Domestic nightmare...

Dreamt the other night that I was doing laundry on a Thursday instead of, what has become a new routine, on the Monday....

This is my new kind of nightmares. Accompanied with lots of variations of loosing our baby in supermarkets etc.

I need to get out more.

Animal Farm nr II

Little E is teething at the moment and attacking anything and anyone she can chew... like a little overexcited puppy.... a finger, a toy, a face (especially the chin), a sock, a chair leg.... and drooling like a St Bernhard...

I am still the cow... producing and feeding the milk, but am also an overprotective lioness as well as a meerkat - peering around each corner to make sure it is safe to enter with buggy.

The H is still the proud rooster.

I don't want the "breast feeding" phase to ever end... I can't wait for the "breast feeding phase" to end...

I don't want the "breastfeeding phase" to ever end because:

1. I know she gets all the nutrition she needs and don't have to worry about balancing foods etc...
2. I love the bonding with baby - it is actually a very nice feeling to breast feed (didn't expect this)
3. Practical. I don't need to pack food when going out. Is constant take aways...

I can't wait for the "breast feeding phase" to end because:

1. I can then run and do my gym classes without having to hold on to my bouncing, hurting chest...
2. I will be more flexible and the H can take baby E whenever, wherever...
3. I can booze freely again... (well, except for needing to be a responsible adult around baby E of course...)

This is on my mind because baby E is soooooo hungry now, and feeding every hour in the evenings so need to add some solids soon. She is also getting so big and clever with her hands so it starts being tricky to feed in public (pulling down my top etc...) Not to mention her very keen interest in anything I eat... it is like having a sad puppy watch my every bite...

Baby rice next week.

New Years resolutions....

Where does time go? How can baby E already be 4.5 months old? How can it already be middle of January 2009? I who was going to do so many many things on my maternity leave....

Don't worry, have already given up the idea of getting anything done in the daytime a long time ago... baby E is WONDERFUL, simply the best, but she requires all my attention and then some. The rewards are instant though - she is as happy as can be, and loves nothing better than goofing around with her mum or dad (...or anyone really if I am being honest...)

Made som new years resolutions to myself:

1. Do something NEW every week... this can be very trivial and simple, just something I have never done before. Last week this was to take baby E to baby swimming. She LOVED it!! Never seen her smile so big for so long and to be so active :-)

2. Cook more at home in general, and specifically try a new recipe per week so I can build up a bigger cooking repertoar (last week this was a very average mexican soup that I don't think will be repeated...)

3. Blog more.... I have so many thoughts to blog about, just finding it difficult to get the time to do it....

4. And of course the token weight loss and exercise resolution. I didn't gain much excess from pregnancy but have piled on the kilos from breastfeeding - or rather all the chocolate, energy drinks and cakes it has craved off me.... also want to get fit for the SKIING trip in March, and toying with the idea of entering the London Triathlon in August... hmmmm.. not promising that one, but is out there!

So there. No turning back now as they are made official on this blog!