Our best time is NOW

So, ever since baby E was born, I've been wanting to freeze time as she's been so wonderful but just like so many seasoned parents told me, it's just getting better, and now, at 17 months, I really feel that it's the best phase so far. She is so much fun, loves goofing around, laughs most of the time, babbles the rest of the time and loves to cuddle. Can it really get any better??

YES we can!

Just a reflection. Have met a lot of new people at HQ in the US last week. A lot of mothers with very young children (maternity leave of 2-3 months in the US) at home, who are working long hours. But I haven't seen a lot of the European constant bad conscience about working too much, and not spending enough time with the little ones...

These are good, family oriented people as well, just to be clear

Are we just a little bit too spoiled in Europe? (actually make that Sweden and UK where I have experiences) and have we worked that typical Swedish "lutheran do the right thing" a bit too far? I mean, why should we feel bad about providing top class child care when we are working? (as long as we are spending good quality time with our children when we are not working...)

Oh - am definately NOT saying the US has got this right btw.... No way I could have parted with baby E only after 2-3 months

The FIVE legged stool

You may have heard the analogy about life being a three legged stool? One leg for family and friends, one for work attainment/career and one for your personal wellbeing/interests, hobbies etc. The idea is that you need to have balance in life, all three legs need to be equally long, otherwise you will fall down...

My stool has five legs.

1) Toddler E

2) Husband

3) Work/Career

4) Friends and other family

5) Me (exercise and other me-time)

Legs nr 1 and 3 are pretty stable and takes all my energy right now. Nr 4 is actually not that bad - it's easier to go out on my own with friends (and for the H on his own...) than for the H and I to do things together... hence nr 2 is not very stable at the moment, and leg nr 5 is non-existing...

The H pointed out the other day that he felt he didn't know me anymore as we never talked... ouch. That hurt. My reaction? Can we talk about this in January?

I just don't have any spare energy left.

Loving my job though! And things WILL slow down in Q1...

Stuck in the US of A...

So our flight had to turn back to the US and sort of emergency land at JFK as one of the engines had died... I say sort of as it was like a normal landing but obviously not where we were meant to land and they weren't all that worried about it. Sort of not really an emergency. More of an invonvenience. We were then shipped to a gritty Holiday Inn to sleep and are now hanging around the lobby waiting to know when we can get back in the air again.

I started crying when I heard as I was counting the hours to see little E again and got so sad when it was postponed further for me.... I have to "harden the fuck up" as all these tears aren't really my style but it was really emotional to not be able to cuddle up with little E this morning either.... but I guess focus should be that I am safe, and not rutting away at the bottom of the Atlantic somewhere...

All in all this week has been really good - I have thoroughly enjoyed only having to worry about myself, me me me!!! for the first time since E was born, and also to sleep through the nights... Going to the toilet on my own is also a lovely experience, something I've spent too many years not appreciating before E :-)

But now... I really just want to get back to her, cuddle, play, cuddle, play... and every hour they keep me away is hurting me now... Come on Branson!!!! oh... news announced... we need to move to the airport for further information... tbc

Conflicting emotions... (good mum/bad mum)

Am in a nice hotel in Boston when I am writing this, on my own, enjoying a nice, cold glass of savignon blanc, working away, getting things done, noone asking for my attention or help... and it is lovely...

...however when I saw "little girl E" (she is not a baby anymore so would be wrong to keep calling her that..) on skype earlier today, pointing to the screen and laughing, my heart hurt and the tears started coming. I do miss her so.

The flight over here two days ago was dreadful. I cried the entire time. Didn't help that I watched "the time travelers wife" which is a tear jerker in good conditions... I caught some empathetic looks from fellow passengers as well as some "get a grip" looks...

I am, as you can gather from the above, away from little girl E for a week's training with my job. First time I am away from her for longer than a day/night and whilst it is very hard for me and I miss her so much, it is also very nice to only have myself to worry about for once. I have to extend an apology to all the parents I know that I haven't really understood in the past when they have been expressing how difficult it is to be away from the little ones. I am sorry. I had no idea how much they get to feel like a part of you...

Anyways. I am LOVING my new job. It feels like I have ARRIVED! It is a great company, I have a great team, and it just feels right. I got into the swing of things scarily quickly - think it took me a couple of hours before it felt like working is the norm again... guess the 15 years of working in a business environment wins over the 13 months of working with being home with little one. And... it IS actually working really well. At least when all is "normal", i.e little girl E is not sick, the H is home etc. We have had a couple of weeks when E has been a bit poorly and also the H has been away and that is hard. But when everything is working, it works... E loves her nursery and is picking up lots of tricks from the other children and the carers there. I get the mornings to get to work early, the H takes the mornings with E. Then I do have to really rush in the afternoon to make it in time to pick up E, but that works fine too. The three hours we get in the evenings are actually really good quality time as well. I don't feel I miss out much. Really. Of course, it really requires a good team. Again, how single parents make it, I have no idea. Respect!

Writing this I do feel a bit teary as I miss the little one so, but at the same time, I really look forward to a night of undisturbed sleep... and a morning all to myself.... Life is never straightforward is it?

All she ever wanted was everything!

Today was the last day of my maternity leave. Monday our new life is starting. My emotions are all over the place, and baby E (well... toddler now really...) has never been cuter or sweeter and our bond has never been stronger. I am so so so scared that this will not be the case when I go to work but need need need to do this, really feel a huge need to have an exciting and fulfilling job as well, and an urgent almost psysical need to use my brain again....

There is a very suitable painting in our bedroom of a woman juggling all sorts of things with the text: "All she ever wanted was everything"... never felt more fitting!

Wish me luck!

ch ch ch ch ch chaaaanges!

Hurray! I am starting a new, really great job beginning of October. It is perfect, and just what I wanted!

Hurray! Ellinor has been offered a place at our favorite nursery, starting the schooling in next week!

Help!! I am absolutely petrified about leaving her... not because I fear she will not be well taken care of, I am 100% convinced she will be absolutely fine at nursery and have so much fun (was there today for an hour for a first orientation, and she went for all the toys straight away, and didn't want to leave...) but I have this silly fear that our relationship will change. We are so close now, and I love it... would hate to let that go. At the same time, can't wait to get back to work... am not fit to be at home all the time, was starting to go a bit stir crazy to be honest.

Help again! Also have this fear that I can't make it work with a high powered job requiring a lot of time and effort and a family... but I want to make it work, I kind of have to make it work otherwise there is something very very wrong in our world....

All advice from working mothers most welcomed!