The Roller Coaster of a new life

The end of this blog...

2010-08-01T22:18:00.005+01:00

Sorry peoples who still find their way here every now and then. I am closing this blog. Simply no time nor inspiration and the thought "should be updating my blog" was beginning to feel more stressful than fun...

Toddler E's blog is still going strong though. If you don't have the url get in touch with me via e-mail and I'll send it to you.

Thanks for all your support and inspiration during this blog, I've truly enjoyed it!

L XX

Sweden 1 - UK 0

2010-05-17T22:10:00.002+01:00

As a Swede living in the UK I am mostly assimilated into the UK culture. Sometimes I found my adopted country (Sweden will always always be nr 1 just to make sure that is clear...) a bit quirky and amusing, different, interesting. But rarely totally and brutally alien to my values.

Here is an exception. It is still allowed to spank your children here. In 2010.... How??? There is recent pressure from "Europe" to outlaw any spanking and the press and the public comments are quite alien to me. The amount of people who get upset about the potential outlawing of parents hitting those smaller than them, who will not understand the reasons why their behaviour justfied pain, and who will become confused, insecure and more violent themselves (fact! how many research reports on this subject do we need?) as they see it as a "nanny state" trying to control every aspect of the citizens' life, and "I got spanked as a child and it did me good" harr harr

What a load of bollocks....

Heja Sverige! Sweden was the first European country to outlaw any violence to children back in 1979!

Energy hunt

2010-04-04T23:02:00.003+01:00

I've written before about the lack of balance in my life - it's all work and toddler E at the moment, leaving very little energy for my husband, friends, health and hobbies... I've realized that it's not even the lack of time (even though that is a contributing factor - what did I DO all the time before toddler E??) - more important is the lack of Energy - so. An energy hunt is needed.

First, what do I get energy from?

1. Toddler E
2. The H
3. Work
4. Exercise
5. Fresh air
6. Healthy food
7. "Me" time

Toddler E and Work also crave so much energy for me, that I don't think I can gain surpluses from there and the H is currently himself so drained of energy there is none left for me. So believe that I need to make more time for 4-7 and that should give me more energy to spare on 1-3... Simples.

Good thing is that spring is in the air so I can go running more often - maybe even in the early mornings... that would be a good combo of both 4 and 5. Healthy food - just need to get back in control of that one - and "Me" time, is hard but not impossible - just takes a lot of planning.

There we go. Nothing is impossible! At least not on a planning stage....

Will let you know how things go in reality!

The FEAR

2010-02-07T23:52:00.002Z

Lily Allen sings about The Fear. I feel it daily. I try to shake it off and live in the moment, but get overwhelmed by fear so often that I start to question my sanity. The Fear is about something bad happening to toddler E. Anything bad. Not allowed. Can't cope with it. Logic says to not worry as she is clearly on top of the world and happy as can be, but can't stop... Starting to understand my own mum so much better now.... Again, sorry for worrying you so much Mum! (not that she reads this blog, have kept very secret from family for various reasons, plus she doesn't understand much English, more of an editorial point...)

Our best time is NOW

2010-02-06T22:15:00.002Z

So, ever since baby E was born, I've been wanting to freeze time as she's been so wonderful but just like so many seasoned parents told me, it's just getting better, and now, at 17 months, I really feel that it's the best phase so far. She is so much fun, loves goofing around, laughs most of the time, babbles the rest of the time and loves to cuddle. Can it really get any better??

YES we can!

2010-01-21T01:16:00.000Z

Just a reflection. Have met a lot of new people at HQ in the US last week. A lot of mothers with very young children (maternity leave of 2-3 months in the US) at home, who are working long hours. But I haven't seen a lot of the European constant bad conscience about working too much, and not spending enough time with the little ones...

These are good, family oriented people as well, just to be clear

Are we just a little bit too spoiled in Europe? (actually make that Sweden and UK where I have experiences) and have we worked that typical Swedish "lutheran do the right thing" a bit too far? I mean, why should we feel bad about providing top class child care when we are working? (as long as we are spending good quality time with our children when we are not working...)

Oh - am definately NOT saying the US has got this right btw.... No way I could have parted with baby E only after 2-3 months

The FIVE legged stool

2009-12-11T23:16:00.002Z

You may have heard the analogy about life being a three legged stool? One leg for family and friends, one for work attainment/career and one for your personal wellbeing/interests, hobbies etc. The idea is that you need to have balance in life, all three legs need to be equally long, otherwise you will fall down...

My stool has five legs.

1) Toddler E

2) Husband

3) Work/Career

4) Friends and other family

5) Me (exercise and other me-time)

Legs nr 1 and 3 are pretty stable and takes all my energy right now. Nr 4 is actually not that bad - it's easier to go out on my own with friends (and for the H on his own...) than for the H and I to do things together... hence nr 2 is not very stable at the moment, and leg nr 5 is non-existing...

The H pointed out the other day that he felt he didn't know me anymore as we never talked... ouch. That hurt. My reaction? Can we talk about this in January?

I just don't have any spare energy left.

Loving my job though! And things WILL slow down in Q1...

Stuck in the US of A...

2009-11-14T16:23:00.002Z

So our flight had to turn back to the US and sort of emergency land at JFK as one of the engines had died... I say sort of as it was like a normal landing but obviously not where we were meant to land and they weren't all that worried about it. Sort of not really an emergency. More of an invonvenience. We were then shipped to a gritty Holiday Inn to sleep and are now hanging around the lobby waiting to know when we can get back in the air again.

I started crying when I heard as I was counting the hours to see little E again and got so sad when it was postponed further for me.... I have to "harden the fuck up" as all these tears aren't really my style but it was really emotional to not be able to cuddle up with little E this morning either.... but I guess focus should be that I am safe, and not rutting away at the bottom of the Atlantic somewhere...

All in all this week has been really good - I have thoroughly enjoyed only having to worry about myself, me me me!!! for the first time since E was born, and also to sleep through the nights... Going to the toilet on my own is also a lovely experience, something I've spent too many years not appreciating before E :-)

But now... I really just want to get back to her, cuddle, play, cuddle, play... and every hour they keep me away is hurting me now... Come on Branson!!!! oh... news announced... we need to move to the airport for further information... tbc

Conflicting emotions... (good mum/bad mum)

2009-11-11T02:38:00.003Z

Am in a nice hotel in Boston when I am writing this, on my own, enjoying a nice, cold glass of savignon blanc, working away, getting things done, noone asking for my attention or help... and it is lovely...

...however when I saw "little girl E" (she is not a baby anymore so would be wrong to keep calling her that..) on skype earlier today, pointing to the screen and laughing, my heart hurt and the tears started coming. I do miss her so.

The flight over here two days ago was dreadful. I cried the entire time. Didn't help that I watched "the time travelers wife" which is a tear jerker in good conditions... I caught some empathetic looks from fellow passengers as well as some "get a grip" looks...

I am, as you can gather from the above, away from little girl E for a week's training with my job. First time I am away from her for longer than a day/night and whilst it is very hard for me and I miss her so much, it is also very nice to only have myself to worry about for once. I have to extend an apology to all the parents I know that I haven't really understood in the past when they have been expressing how difficult it is to be away from the little ones. I am sorry. I had no idea how much they get to feel like a part of you...

Anyways. I am LOVING my new job. It feels like I have ARRIVED! It is a great company, I have a great team, and it just feels right. I got into the swing of things scarily quickly - think it took me a couple of hours before it felt like working is the norm again... guess the 15 years of working in a business environment wins over the 13 months of working with being home with little one. And... it IS actually working really well. At least when all is "normal", i.e little girl E is not sick, the H is home etc. We have had a couple of weeks when E has been a bit poorly and also the H has been away and that is hard. But when everything is working, it works... E loves her nursery and is picking up lots of tricks from the other children and the carers there. I get the mornings to get to work early, the H takes the mornings with E. Then I do have to really rush in the afternoon to make it in time to pick up E, but that works fine too. The three hours we get in the evenings are actually really good quality time as well. I don't feel I miss out much. Really. Of course, it really requires a good team. Again, how single parents make it, I have no idea. Respect!

Writing this I do feel a bit teary as I miss the little one so, but at the same time, I really look forward to a night of undisturbed sleep... and a morning all to myself.... Life is never straightforward is it?

All she ever wanted was everything!

2009-10-02T21:41:00.003+01:00

Today was the last day of my maternity leave. Monday our new life is starting. My emotions are all over the place, and baby E (well... toddler now really...) has never been cuter or sweeter and our bond has never been stronger. I am so so so scared that this will not be the case when I go to work but need need need to do this, really feel a huge need to have an exciting and fulfilling job as well, and an urgent almost psysical need to use my brain again....

There is a very suitable painting in our bedroom of a woman juggling all sorts of things with the text: "All she ever wanted was everything"... never felt more fitting!

Wish me luck!

ch ch ch ch ch chaaaanges!

2009-09-14T20:20:00.002+01:00

Hurray! I am starting a new, really great job beginning of October. It is perfect, and just what I wanted!

Hurray! Ellinor has been offered a place at our favorite nursery, starting the schooling in next week!

Help!! I am absolutely petrified about leaving her... not because I fear she will not be well taken care of, I am 100% convinced she will be absolutely fine at nursery and have so much fun (was there today for an hour for a first orientation, and she went for all the toys straight away, and didn't want to leave...) but I have this silly fear that our relationship will change. We are so close now, and I love it... would hate to let that go. At the same time, can't wait to get back to work... am not fit to be at home all the time, was starting to go a bit stir crazy to be honest.

Help again! Also have this fear that I can't make it work with a high powered job requiring a lot of time and effort and a family... but I want to make it work, I kind of have to make it work otherwise there is something very very wrong in our world....

All advice from working mothers most welcomed!

Is taking care of an active and curious 11.5 month old not seen as working??

2009-08-10T12:35:00.002+01:00

My darling husband, the H, is working a lot from home these days. As am I obviously. I can't explain to him why, but I NEED HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE during the daytime.... it is just cramping our style having him there all the time. I feel really bad about feeling this way because

a) I can't rationalize/explain it
b) Ellinor gets to see her dad for a few minutes every now and then throughout the day when he is working from home
c) He likes working from home...

Having said all that, a few years ago, I remember him saying that we could never both be working from home at the same time... something he now doesn't agree with anymore. Does that mean he thinks that taking care of an active and curious 11.5 month old isn't working????

Bah

Too cute!

2009-08-04T00:23:00.002+01:00

If you haven't seen Evians baby commercial, you have to check this out, it is too cute!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQcVllWpwGs&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fmamavaganza%2Eblogspot%2Ecom%2F&feature=player_embedded

BOB the Builder - CAN HE FIX IT?

2009-08-03T23:43:00.002+01:00

So. Back from a four week !! break in Sweden (will write separate blog about this soon!) We had commissioned builders to do some work during this time, giving them three week to finish knowing they'd take longer than promised. Anyone think they were done after four weeks? F*** no. Not only was the house in total total chaos, with thick layers of builders dust everywhere... but only half of the jobs were done, and some of them to quite dismal quality even.... so, we had to clean the house properly and then escape to an hotel, as the builders were coming back to fix some of their c*** ups.

I was humming the Muppet show theme tune as they were working along..... "it's time to play the music..." Grrrrrrrrrrrrr

It also makes me think of my good friends little two year old belting out: "BOB the builder, CAN HE FIX IT? BOB the builder, YES HE CAN!

In our case this would be more like: "TOM the builder, can he fix it? Tom the builder, NO F******* WAY! N

Growing an adult?

2009-06-14T01:09:00.002+01:00

How scary is this.... little baby E will one day be a grown woman, like me.... HOW is that possible? How can I prepare her for all the pitfalls and dangers in life when I have myself fallen into most of them? How can I prevent her doing same mistakes I've done?

How can I make sure she is a better daughter to me than I ever was to my mother?

Again, so sorry mum!!!!!!!

Scary 40!

2009-06-11T12:57:00.001+01:00

Ha ha! Am planning a scary 40th birthday party on Halloween! Ha ha ha!!! Am enjoying the planning and really looking forward to having all my friends there to celebrate, so do plan a trip to London if you consider yourself a friend :-) Invitation to follow soon-ish!

40. Huga. big 4-0.... sounds SO much older than I feel. Should I have a midlife crisis now?

I want it all... I want it all... I want it ALL, and I want it NOW!

2009-05-30T15:13:00.002+01:00

The Queen of Queen said it best... "I want it all..."

Am at a stage now when I am starting to feel a bit restless, and very very bored with the "baby talk" and baby actitivities that fills our day. I think a lot about returning to work - i.e finding a job as I am out of contract, and am currently finetuning my CV. Am procastinating a bit though, as am also not at all sure how on earth I can combine an interesting job with being there for baby E or how I can even manage emotionally, to outsource the care of her during the daytime... All my previous jobs, have been quite demanding, long hours and lots and lots ot travel, which I normally like, but with baby finding hard to accept.... but also, don't want to step too far down the career ladder either, as that would feel like a failure. There has got to be a way to combine career and family life right!??

I have to believe that I can have it all somehow. Just need to figure out how.

Accidental parenting...

2009-05-20T20:31:00.002+01:00

Anyone tried the "pick up put down" sleep training method championed by "the baby whisperer"?

We have fallen into the trap of rocking baby E to sleep in the chair and now she can't get herself back to sleep on her own when she wakes up in the middle of the night. She is also fighting sleep like a fiery terrier... she may miss something if she shuts those pretty blues you know... exploring, exploring, life is simply to fun fun fun! :-) I also tend to take her into our bed when she is difficult to settle back to sleep around 04.00 when I am shattered... bad habits I know...

Anyways, time to fix this. Soon. Is also very nice and cuddly with her next to me though... but I don't sleep and am loosing it soon, so. Needs must. Really! Next week!

Nothing really changes...

2009-05-08T23:51:00.002+01:00

....funny how quickly I fell back into old ways... when my lovely wonderful friends BB and miss Prada, took "mama out tonight" last week, I found myself by the bar, late at night, ordering Sambucas for us that none of us really needed... oh dear, and I thought I'd grown up a little with parenthood....

THANKS again BB and miss Prada, for a smashing night! You are the best!

...and so sorry baby E for all the future embarrasing stories you may hear about your mamma....

Take your Mama out tonight! (tomorrow)

2009-04-30T23:38:00.004+01:00

Yippey!!! End of an era, am quitting breastfeeding tomorrow and am being taken out by two of my good London friends to celebrate in style!! First time since I found out I was pregnant in Dec07! I am giddy with excitement like a little girl...

... and at the same time scared and quite a bit sad... I have found breastfeeding such a nice and bonding thing and I will really miss it. At the same time can't wait to get back the control of my own body... I have blogged about this before, so will not bore you now -

... guess we will have to have a second baby eventually quite simply! :-)

... but for now - bring on tomorrow night! This MAMA is ready to rock n' roll! :-)

God mothers, less the god bit... and less the mothers bit...

2009-04-18T10:37:00.003+01:00

I do not believe in god, any god at all... but I still wanted baby E to have godparents... the reason for this is simply to have 1-2 other adults apart from the family, who is paying a special interest as she grows up. I had such great exchange with my godmother, who sadly passed away before she turned 50, and who baby E is named after, when I was growing up, so was looking to give baby E a similar set up.

We are very happy with our two godmothers (pure coincidence that the two most suitable candidates that also accepted, were women) for baby E, and I am convinced that they will provide that special connection as she grows up.

The question was how to get around the god bit... I started off wanting a baptism ceremony of sorts, but couldn't get my head around it... It didn't feel right to force her into a church like that - that should be her choice when she is an adult... and also didn't want to make a too big thing out of it. A naming ceremony felt a bit too... "new age-y hippi-ish" for us... so we ended up having a lovely lunch, just baby E, the H and I and the two godmothers. Perfect!

Now the remaining question is what to call them, as there is no god involved, nor are they really mothers (yet...). I suggested pasta-parents as I do believe in the flying spagetti monster... but the H put his foot down (he is a little bit religious but funnily enough not fussed about baptism or godparents at all, he thinks it's a nice thing, but nothing he would insist on...)

Suggestions?

May I go to the gym pretty please?

2009-04-10T22:49:00.002+01:00

What I am finding the hardest about being a mum after 38.5 years of total independence, is that I am no longer the boss of my own time.... the H is very much a teamplayer, wanting to spend time with baby E, and help me to get some "me-time" but even so, I constantly feel as if I am asking for permission to do something and obviously have to work with his schedule as well.

So the old life of being the boss of my own time is gone for the next 18 years or so... and that is probably what I am finding to be the most difficult change.

NO!

2009-03-18T23:12:00.003Z

If i have to sing "the wheels of the bus go round and round" or any similarly silly song with lots of mumsy women with silly highpitched voices ever again, I WILL SCREAM

I also cannot surive another lunch/pic nic/coffee etc ONLY talking about what our babies are and are not doing.

THERE ARE MORE THINGS TO TALK ABOUT!

PS: Yep, the breastfeeding hormones are definately on their way out.....

Dummies. Not that dumb really.

2009-03-18T20:24:00.004Z

I dropped E's dummy into the bag of one of the other mum's yesterday at baby swimming, and checked with the mum in question that it wasn't hers before retrieving it. She smirked (yes, REALLY) and said "no, no, my Ben doesn't have a dummy" with the emphasis on "dum". I am not kidding. The ugly, boring, repulsive woman who was desperately trying to calm her squirming, messy, screaming little boy SMIRKED.

I don't know about you, but i wouldn't call a device that gives babies comfort and fulfills their sucking needs something to smirk about... in Sweden it is called a Napp, which has no connotations to stupidness and there seems to be a much broader acceptance of using a Napp than here in the UK. Maybe if it was called something else people wouldn't have such stupid reactions to it?

Desperate Housewife

2009-03-18T20:12:00.002Z

Best to never let mums and dads on maternity/paternity leave out of the house... We have had two holidays the last month, one diving, one skiing (I know, luxury and totally against the sign of the times :-) and it has been GREAT. I got a taste of my old life pre baby back as we had the in laws with us for the diving, and then took turns to babysit for the skiing trip. This was fabulous, but also dangerous as I am now climbing the walls.... Also think my hormones are leaving my body at the same rate as we are cutting back on the breastfeeding meaning I am getting back to normal. Meaning I am sooooooooooooo bored in our (lovely) house and need to get out to not become totally apathetic and just watch crap TV (such as desperate housewifes...)

Still loving to be with baby E - just going crazy in the house so need to get out a lot. Luckily it is spring in London and we have been picnicing for four hours today :-)

I think I must be the worst housewife material in the entire world... I can't even be asked to empty the dishwasher.... hope that mormor (Swedish grandmother) stays healthy and energetic for many more years, otherwise little E will not know what homemade food is....

Everything is changing...

2009-02-22T21:01:00.002Z

Baby E is six months next week. SIX months. Half a year.... how did that happen? And all of a sudden everything is changing. She now sleeps in her own room, in her cotbed rather than next to me in a Moses Basket, she now eats solids and we are cutting back on the milk, she now goes on walks in the big girl stroller rather than the carrycot..... and her mum is having withdrawal symptoms.

There was a lot of talk about Post natal depression, but not a word about "post breastfeeding and sleeping in the same room" depression during my NCT course..........

Bjorn Again!

2009-02-08T22:19:00.003Z

As amusing the thought of the serious and scary ex-KGB agent, Putin, shaking his booty to Bjorn Again - that wasn't what I meant to write about here.

What I was going to write about is how fun and amazing life is with a baby who keep seeing things for the very first time, and EVERYTHING is exciting! The shade from a lamp, mummys feet, her own feet, daddys nose, her own nose, a funny noise, a bright picture, a song, blowing a raspberry, mummys silly dancing etc etc.

She really is very easily amused (and she may think the same about me as she makes me giggle all the time....)

Baby fluids....

2009-02-02T21:24:00.002Z

...so today, all before 10.00... little baby E has pooed, peed, spat and thrown up on me....

Good thing she is so bloody cute!

Domestic nightmare...

2009-01-29T13:34:00.002Z

Dreamt the other night that I was doing laundry on a Thursday instead of, what has become a new routine, on the Monday....

This is my new kind of nightmares. Accompanied with lots of variations of loosing our baby in supermarkets etc.

I need to get out more.

Animal Farm nr II

2009-01-21T20:39:00.004Z

Little E is teething at the moment and attacking anything and anyone she can chew... like a little overexcited puppy.... a finger, a toy, a face (especially the chin), a sock, a chair leg.... and drooling like a St Bernhard...

I am still the cow... producing and feeding the milk, but am also an overprotective lioness as well as a meerkat - peering around each corner to make sure it is safe to enter with buggy.

The H is still the proud rooster.

I don't want the "breast feeding" phase to ever end... I can't wait for the "breast feeding phase" to end...

2009-01-16T22:00:00.006Z

I don't want the "breastfeeding phase" to ever end because:

1. I know she gets all the nutrition she needs and don't have to worry about balancing foods etc...
2. I love the bonding with baby - it is actually a very nice feeling to breast feed (didn't expect this)
3. Practical. I don't need to pack food when going out. Is constant take aways...

I can't wait for the "breast feeding phase" to end because:

1. I can then run and do my gym classes without having to hold on to my bouncing, hurting chest...
2. I will be more flexible and the H can take baby E whenever, wherever...
3. I can booze freely again... (well, except for needing to be a responsible adult around baby E of course...)

This is on my mind because baby E is soooooo hungry now, and feeding every hour in the evenings so need to add some solids soon. She is also getting so big and clever with her hands so it starts being tricky to feed in public (pulling down my top etc...) Not to mention her very keen interest in anything I eat... it is like having a sad puppy watch my every bite...

Baby rice next week.

New Years resolutions....

2009-01-12T15:30:00.002Z

Where does time go? How can baby E already be 4.5 months old? How can it already be middle of January 2009? I who was going to do so many many things on my maternity leave....

Don't worry, have already given up the idea of getting anything done in the daytime a long time ago... baby E is WONDERFUL, simply the best, but she requires all my attention and then some. The rewards are instant though - she is as happy as can be, and loves nothing better than goofing around with her mum or dad (...or anyone really if I am being honest...)

Made som new years resolutions to myself:

1. Do something NEW every week... this can be very trivial and simple, just something I have never done before. Last week this was to take baby E to baby swimming. She LOVED it!! Never seen her smile so big for so long and to be so active :-)

2. Cook more at home in general, and specifically try a new recipe per week so I can build up a bigger cooking repertoar (last week this was a very average mexican soup that I don't think will be repeated...)

3. Blog more.... I have so many thoughts to blog about, just finding it difficult to get the time to do it....

4. And of course the token weight loss and exercise resolution. I didn't gain much excess from pregnancy but have piled on the kilos from breastfeeding - or rather all the chocolate, energy drinks and cakes it has craved off me.... also want to get fit for the SKIING trip in March, and toying with the idea of entering the London Triathlon in August... hmmmm.. not promising that one, but is out there!

So there. No turning back now as they are made official on this blog!

Pyjama party!

2008-12-15T17:33:00.002Z

The H had cooked a nice meal for us last friday night, and we were going to eat it "properly" by the table with some nice wine, and have a little bit of "us" time when baby E was sleeping. I went upstairs to put on something appropriate.

On my way down the stairs I start to giggle when I realize what I was wearing.

Appearantly "something appropriate" for a nice meal these days is a well used and over sized pyjamas and warm socks...

Performance review time!

2008-11-14T15:29:00.005Z

This time of year is usually a time for performance reviews out there in the "real world". Back here at the animal farm I wanted to give my new tiny boss an "upwards review" of how it's been working for her these three months now. I guess my probation time has just expired, and since I have not recieved a notice in writing I assume I still have the job as her mum!?? (which is a great thing as it is VERY likely that I am loosing my other job next week...)

Upwards review for the first three months:

Strengths:

1. Motivational Skills.

You are very good at motivating - you just smile and gurgle and it is worth all the hard work!

2. Creativity

You do bring out a lot of creativity in me that I didn't know I had. A lot of new dances and songs have been invented together for instance...

3. Fun.

You are very fun to work for. Most of the time!

Areas of improvement:

1. Clarity and direction:

It would be great if you could give some more clarity of what to expect ahead of time so I can prepare... rather than just jump into a growth spurt from one day to another for instance...

2. Consistency and timeliness:

Some more consistency and timeliness would be very helpful actually. There has been many an occasion where your sudden change of mood etc has led to cancelling important meetings around town as well as being late for our appointments....

3. Communication:

Yes, there are some nuances to the screaming but it isn't always easy to figure out exactly what it is you want... again som more clarity and communication would be great!

So baby E. Your turn now. How am I doing?

"NEW MUM, MAY LACTATE IN PUBLIC"

2008-10-29T11:57:00.002Z

So, baby E is now 9.5 weeks and we are enjoying our time together. She is in a super cute phase where she smiles a lot and is much more interactive and independent every day making it possible for me to take showers etc which my surroundings have appreciated very much (especially considering the puke and poo that sometimes gets hurled my way....) I have even made it out of the house ON MY OWN for the first times!!! I have been to the hairdresser ON MY OWN, and to the gym twice ON MY OWN!! It felt absolutely wonderful and strange at the same time.

I was missing a sign on my forehead saying "NEW MUM, MAY LACTATE IN PUBLIC" or something to explain why I get sweat stains on my boobs in the gym, and why I am generally behaving weirdly... After first being visually pregnant for quite a few months, then always having had a new baby in tow - my strange behavior is always accounted for, and I just get understanding looks and interested comments... without the bump AND the baby I am just plain weird.....

Ah well...

Prada vs Haglof

2008-10-08T08:28:00.003+01:00

Baby E and I are enjoying all sorts of coffee/lunch/playdates with other new babies and their mums locally. Lots of different groups. Yesterday I made an observation regarding the style of mums from different countries, in this case Italian vs Swedish. Met with a bunch of Italian mothers and babies in the morning. I immediately felt totally underdressed and "like the poor cousin from the country" in my jeans and red feeding top and windjacket. They were all "prada" with high heels, jewellery, designer bags etc and talked about their tummy corsets and maternity nurses. However later in the day I felt right at home meeting up with a group of Swedish mums. I hadn't met them before but needed no introduction as saw a group of very practially dressed healthy -(and good-) looking women. It was Prada vs Haglof if you know what I mean :-).

Equally nice ladies though - just lightyears apart in style....

The Milk Monster!

2008-09-10T12:05:00.004+01:00

Third week with our wonderful baby E now and I am constantly exhausted, dazed, drained and very very happy. Seems like I could attach her to me like a little monkey baby though, as she would prefer to be feeding ALL the time...

How can something so small, eat so much I wonder???

Welcome to the Animal Farm!

2008-09-05T14:56:00.002+01:00

It feels like we have created our own little farm.

I am the cow... muuuu. Feels like I do nothing else but breast feed...

Baby E, is a super cute little piglet (she makes cute piglet snuffly noises)

Mike is the proud peacock or rooster, parading around showing off his offspring to anyone who is remotely interested. We have had neighbours come in to see baby E, people we normally don't really talk with, and when I was resting with baby E on the sofa one day the postman comes in to say hello to her.... no joke! He is just the proudest father ever!

Cocooning

2008-08-30T04:13:00.002+01:00

Baby E has now been with us for five days and we are loving every minute of it. Yes, we are sleep deprived and are having more "constructive" discussions than usual, but generally just.... happy... and fighting to get "Baby E time" :-) The H has two weeks paternity leave and then she is just mine... ha ha ha.

I had NO idea that I would be so utterly in love from the start. I thought it would take some time, as I have not been that interested in new born babies before, but baby E is very interactive, cuddly, cute and just the sweetest. Just lying with her on my chest is pure bliss... She is an angel and so far very easy to handle (knock on wood...). Breastfeeding is working just fine, and I am also healing psysically quite well. Went out for our first walk outside the house today for example and made it all the way to the pub down the river for lunch. So we are slowly slowly starting to withdraw our cocoon and enter the real world together.

Many many thanks for all the lovely messages, flowers and gifts from our friends and family around the world by the way! Baby E certainly feels very welcomed to this world outside my womb!

04:26 August 25th 2008: Welcome Baby E!!

2008-08-30T03:15:00.010+01:00

She is here!!! She is perfect!!! She is MINE!!! (oh, ok then the H, ours.... :-) She is baby E!!!

She almost made it on the due date (future project manager like mum?? :-) - only slipped into the next day by 4.5 hours. Mum and Dad are both over the moon and totally and utterly in love with our new person baby E who really really is the most beautiful baby in the world (apologies to all other cute babies but she beats all of you!!) and we could not be happier.

Whilst I can still remember it (the memories of the pain and trouble is fading rapidly...) below is our birth story for those of you that want to know.

Saturday 23rd of August: We managed to squeeze in the last NCT class in the morning and then had a chilled afternoon and evening. I wasn't feeling 100% and was having irregular cramps that I thought might be mild contractions, and exactly by 23.50 that evening, I was sure of having contractions, as they were then very regular..... what timing baby... starting 10 minutes before your due date!!

Sunday 24th of August: The H is being a top class birth partner setting us up with a bit of a "nest" in the living room with birth ball, duvets, DVD:s, snacks and lots of pillows. He also draws me a nice bath and we spend a couple of hours of contractions in there. They are bearable all through the night, quite mild and we are coping well. The H even has the late night DJ on XFM give us a cheer by sending in a message. The DJ wanted to know "what on earth the listeners were doing up this late" and the H sent in that we were in labour and "Heja Heja" :-)

Around 9 o'clock in the morning, I am having 3 or 4 contractions every 10 minutes so we call the birth centre and are asked to come in. They check me, and establish that I am 3 cm dialated, i.e in "Active Labour". The contractions are still fairly mild though, even though frequent so we are sent home to try and get some rest before the real trial. Back to the nest we watch some DVD:s and try and get some sleep and wait for the contractions to become unbearable. They slowly increase in strength and by 12.00 I am asking for some help coping. We go back to the hospital and get established in a room at the Birth Centre. Still only 3 cm dialated though..... The contractions are now very strong and the H is doing animalistic grunting noises with me and gas and air is introduced. Takes the edge off, but doesn't really do enough. By 16.00 I am exhausted, and only 4 cm dialated!!! The contractions have been regular all this time, and it feels like I am not getting any rest in between them. I ask the midwife for advice on how much longer it will take and this is like asking "how long is a piece of string" but I don't fancy my chances in coping for hours and hours on end without serious drugs, so ask to be moved to the labour ward and to have an Epidural.

We are moved one floor up to the labour ward and I get an epidural. Bliss. It doesn't actually work 100%, but maybe 70% of the pain is taken away, and combined with gas and air, I am in heaven in comparison. The anastetist is a bit concerned he is not able to take 100% away though and the midwifes are a bit worried as well, as the dialation is taking forever in spite of strong and regular contractions... They try with a 2nd epidural, and same result. They believe it is my scoliosis causing the anastetics not to flow as it should down my spine. Hours and hours pass like this, the midwifes are getting increasingly worried about the lack of dialation and wants to break my waters and put me on a special drug to get things moving, but don't want to do this without a fully working epidural as will increase contractions. In the end we do this anyways.

Monday 25th of August: By about 02.00 or so, the great news is announced that I AM 10 CM DIALATED and we can start the PUSH phase!! By this stage we were all convinced that it will be an emergency C section, as it is taking soooo long and the baby is getting distressed (there was some meconium in the water when they broke them, plus we are following the heartbeat), so this is great news. I am by this stage absolutely knackered though and concerned about being able to push. Need to find extra strength somewhere, and knowing we will soon meet our baby gives me plenty of that, however not quite enough, we very almost get there but need to have help with a ventouse in the end. This means I also have to have a small cut, which was my greatest fear going in but at this stage - I don't care one bit just as long as we can get a healthy baby OUT of there!!!!!

And we do!!! 04:26 baby E is out of the womb, and held up in front of me. She opens her dark blue eyes and locks them straight into mine... it is an absolutely magical moment and I am from this moment onwards totally and hopelessly in love. She is laid on my chest whilst the cord is clamped and cut and we are just looking at eachother. She then has to be taken away to get some oxygen and some tests and then she comes back to lie on my chest. Bliss!!! The 3rd stage with the placenta being delivered, there being some cafaffle about a potential piece of the placenta missing (there wasn't in the end) and me being stiched up, passes as in a deep deep surreal sleep, I can only see baby E and the amazing H, and the rest seems very very far away....

Welcome my darling!! You were definately worth the 28.5 hours of labour!!!

PS: She was 3744 grams or 8.2 pounds big, and 52 cm long

Let the SHOW begin!

2008-08-21T11:54:00.003+01:00

Today is officially my first day of Maternity leave. Have been on holiday the previous 2.5 weeks. So, where is this baby I am supposted to be off taking care off? You can come out now! We are ready! (we think...)

Had the "show" yesterday, not that it means anything really as can still take days/weeks, but still... yet another sign in the right direction...

Exciting days!

What is it about white vans?

2008-08-19T16:52:00.003+01:00

Was cut off earlier today by a man in a white van, who looked just as rough, rude and ugly as I have gotten used to drivers of white vans to look in this country. Why is that though? Is there a special test you have to take when you buy a white van? A test where you only pass if you are look like a fat, "sailor tatooed", tooth-less, discusting man - and you can proove to have the foulest vocabulary and manners around!??

Week 39: Yes I KNOW I am not the first woman giving birth....

2008-08-16T18:01:00.004+01:00

Have to share some frustration with this one saying that everyone around me seems to think is comforting right now:

"Well, just think that you are not exactly the first woman to give birth"

alternatively:

"It's the most natural process in the world"

F*** Off!!!!!

It is the FIRST time for me and I don't want to feel like a failure/strange/unusual if I am struggling to cope with it. There.

On the other hand - I do take comfort in the thoughts of labour, however painful, is a natural process and will have an end - hopefully a very Happy End as well (not like other pain where you don't know where it is coming from and/or will end which will enhance the fear factor) I just don't want to have to feel like I am a failure if I don't cope well with the whole process once it starts..............

Top 10 of what I want to do when not pregnant anymore...

2008-08-14T17:16:00.003+01:00

Generally still enjoying being off work and usually able to get quite a lot done in a day but today I am very tired and lethargic and haven't been able to get myself out of the house, which immediately results in feeling a bit bored and lonely as a consequence...

So, amusing myself with thinking of what I want to do most when not pregnant anymore:

1. Get to know this new little person inside me finally, and see what s/he looks and is like...
2. Skiing.... off piste.... in the alps.... am looking at some nice options with nanny services (a bit early but hey!) for the 2nd week in March (week 11) - who wants to join us???
3. Diving.... we are seriously craving a "real" holiday, so in addition to skiing the H is looking at diving alternatives to Egypt where we can bring the in-laws who have offered to help with some baby sitting whilst we are under water :-)
4. Running and other fun, vigurous exercise... Body Combat, Dance classes, stuff that takes your breath away and involves a lot of jumping around.... London Triathlon August 09 anyone?
5. Going out with the H and friends for a fun, carefree night out with lots of drinking and silly dancing....
6. Just going out for a nice meal with a fair amount of good wine.... and cheese board... and seafood...
7. Having the energy to do all of the above, and not falling asleep at 22.00 at night...
8. Travelling to new, exciting places
9. Sleeping on my stomache....
10. Not having a squeezed bladder, heartburn and cramped lungs

I will miss the movements and kicks in the bump though... that's for sure.

Week 38: Betting on date and sex...

2008-08-11T22:27:00.004+01:00

Exciting days... the baby can come out any day now and s/he wouldn't be premature anymore. That's a nice feeling!

However, my bet would be slightly late - to be exact the 27th of August. I am also convinced it's a baby boy. The General is also convinced it's a boy...

The H is convinced it's a girl, as is BB a.k.a Superdoula....

Only the baby knows though.... to be continued....

PS: FYI: The formal EDD (expected delivery date) is the 24th of August.

Mamma Mia!

2008-08-05T18:02:00.003+01:00

Confession time. First confession: I am officially naff. I wanted to kill some time today in the rain and went to the cinema. Only film on matinee that was even remotely of interest to me, was Mamma Mia, so I went along with it. It is just as cheesy as the musical and the trailers promise but quite funny to watch Colin, Stellan and Pierce strut their stuff to Abba music...

The 2nd confession is that when there was a particularly cheesy scene when everyone on this happy island are dancing to Dancing Queen, and a cameo snapshot of Benny from Abba playing the piano trying to look greek... and the sailing ship with the Swedish flag that got the Stellan character to the island are all in one picture.... I start crying. And laughing at the same time. Even though the whole thing is set in Greece, and only one of the actors are Swedish, I got a very nostalgic, sentimental and emotional longing for everything Swedish, combined with a sense of pride that these very famous actors were being silly to the music of my motherland, the music I grew up with and kept miming to as a 4-7 year old.... using a hair brush for a microphone.... Then I couldn't stop. There were floods of tears running down my cheeks for the rest of the film, mixed with giggling at myself... I wasn't really feeling miserable... just emotional... also about raising a child in a foreign country with a lot of weird traditions and stuff I just don't "get"... Oh Dear, and I don't even like Abba music that much..... (anymore that is, loved it as a small child with the hairbrush in hand....)

Mamma Mia.... here I go again... my my

Week 37: Breeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeathe!!!!!

2008-08-04T10:50:00.002+01:00

My bump "dropped" end of last week and I can breeeeeeeeeeeeeathe again!!! I can also eat normal portions of food again!!! It is easier to live all of a sudden. Baby not engaged yet though, so still some time to enjoy being a "lady of leisure" (in theory anyways). 2nd day off today, and so far I am loving it. Cleaned out our office on friday and thinking about giving the garden a good go (with gloves of course so to not expose myself to cats droppings etc other dangerous stuff for pregnant people) today. Nesting....

Anyways, had forgotten how nice it is to be able to breathe properly! :-) Must be a downside... oh yeah... off to the loo again I go...........

NOW I am officially on maternity leave....

2008-07-31T15:54:00.002+01:00

.....all the work "to do:s" are ticked...
.....the nursery is ready...
.....there is very little in the calendar up until delivery...

I am hoping this is not like for instance the flue - which seems to hang around until that second you complete your project/hand in your final report etc, and are ready to go on holiday before it breaks out......

Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease give me at least a couple of days just "off" little bebe.... and then you are sooooooooooooooooooo welcome to join this world (if you can, please do so in as gentle a way as you can my love :-) We are very curious to meet you finally!!!

Week 36: One week of work to go, then what???

2008-07-27T15:07:00.002+01:00

So now there is only one more week to go of work and then I start my maternity leave. What then? In Sweden this period is called to be "Mamma ledig" which means "Mommy time off" or something - but... Mom to whom? Time off to take care of what? This bump is meant to become a baby? What? How???? I thought it'd feel more real the later on in the pregnancy I got, but it seems to be the opposite. The closer due date I get the more surreal the whole birth thing gets.

Also feels incredibly weird to not be working for 9 months..... first time since I left University in June 94 that I haven't had a job lined up and even before then I was working all my summer holidays etc since I was 14.... Scary stuff - I define my personality quite a bit from what I do at work, and it feels a little bit like that part is taken away from me.....

Sure that when baby arrives the days will automatically fill up and I will not have any time or room for these thoughts. It's just now, lying about as too weak/dizzy to do anything else in this bl**** heat (please can someone turn the outdoor radiators off... can't stand this lethargy).

Week 35: Circus Belly

2008-07-21T09:42:00.002+01:00

Wow. Had a circus group performing in my belly last night. The little one has always been pretty active at night but last night broke all records. There was somersaults, handstands, volts, and a fair few hick ups in between. Quite amusing to feel all the rumble and be able to see it as massive waves on my stomache as well... It will be a circus artist of sorts.... (and the fire would explain all the heart burn I guess...)

Quite happy s/he is so active still though (and doesn't seem to be "settling" for the canal trip ahead) as the H is going to the US for a business trip today - back on Friday. I have very reliable and enthusiastic back up in BB who now wants to be called a "doula" :-) but would kind of prefer to have the H there, not to mention how nervous he is about potentially missing our baby's first journey.

Crossing my legs this week alas!

Week 34: Are the Swedish "Raggare" right?

2008-07-14T13:53:00.006+01:00

From BBC website today, the more generous UK maternity laws are damaging to womens' careers, and Mr "ancient type of business man" sir Alan Sugar comments t hat he would ignore CV:s from women in "childbearing ages"... see: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7504637.stm

Women now get 9 months paid maternity leave, or another 3 months on top of that unpaid, and that is appearantly too long to stay competitive. Men get a whole 10 days paternity leave in the UK...

Also recently in the news, the church has the other week voted that they should allow women bishops in the UK.... http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7494517.stm (yes, you read correctly, just the other week... in 2008...) and a lot of male (well.. obviously) bishops are now threatening to leave the church...

I simply don't know where to start..... Grrrrrrr..... Maybe the Swedish "Raggare" movement are right, things were simply better in the 1950:s when very few women worked outside their homes and didn't have the financial security to leave??? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raggare

Week 33: Discovery Channel material?

2008-07-08T13:46:00.002+01:00

I feel as if David Attenborough should be following me in the bushes, whispering about "the pregnant females" behavior... "at this stage of the pregnancy, her movement will be more constricted... look at her wabbling walk and forward leaning posture. She would be easy prey for predators at this stage, so her mate tries to be close at all times..." Something like that anyways.

Not sure it makes any sense to anyone, but all this movement inside me, and the impending birth process (on all fours or squatting most likely...) etc, makes me feel very much part of the animal kingdom.

Week 32: "ME Vista"

2008-07-02T15:26:00.002+01:00

Something just hit me. When I have been thinking about having babies in the past I have focused a lot of energy thinking about what I will have to give up, and how it will change my lifestyle and personality in a diminishing way and, up until recently obviously, said that I just can't get the equation to work out.

Now I am thinking that I am actually ADDING value to ME, as I am launching an UPGRADED version of me.... I will still be me... only better and more valuable.....

"ME, now also a mum" or something....

Drugs vs no drugs...

2008-06-27T09:40:00.003+01:00

The H and I went to a parental information session yesterday, which was mainly about the different stages of labour and pain relief. The men and the women were separated at one point and we, the women, had to write down on a clip board what we expect from our husbands when going through labour, and they, the men, had to write down what they thought we would expect. Turned out to be pretty consistent across the two groups, which is good I guess.

We ended up having a bit of a discussion in the womens group about drugs though (having slightly misunderstood the task at the beginning). In a group of about 10 women, about 8 were very vocal about "as many drugs as possible, as quickly as possible", one was very clear about wishing to do as natural birth as possible, and I was the only one in the middle "it depends how I feel, and how long it goes on for..." (typical Swedish "in the middle" approach!?). All of these mothers are first timers, so I was surprised that they seemed to be so sure about this. Will be interesting to hear what actually happend if I do meet up with either of them for one of the many "post natal coffees" on offer in the area (doesn't sound to social does it, "post-natal"... why not call it "new mums" or something a bit more human??).

Anyways... what I want from the H is the following, I think....

1. Distraction - help me think about other things
2. Massage and hair stroking (NO kisses on the forehead!!)
3. Calming, reassuring, telling me what is going on
4. Knowing our birth plan at heart and being able to interpret between me and the midwifes and if needed make appropriate decisions for us if I am not able to
5. Distraction....
6. Massage....
7. Distraction....
8. Massage....
9. Distraction....
10. Massage....

etc etc etc

Week 31: Go Russia!

2008-06-24T11:16:00.004+01:00

Ok - so Zlatan and the other football gods had a night off when we met Russia last week and got brutally thrown out of the Euro Cup. I think the entire Swedish team had a night off actually... Russia played amazing, and I am now praying to the god of Arsenal, Wenger, that he will recruit the amazing Arsja, and the other one, the blonde one who didn't seem to ever get tired and got shots in from impossible angles all the time...

Regarding the Swedish contribution... It was quite clear to me. Old men vs Young boys don't work. Old style coaching a la Lars "I am going to stick to the ancient 4-4-2 formation with the boys I know since years back even if they aren't the quickest and most creative players I have to my disposal until someone kicks me out" vs new coaching a la Guus - who seems to know his opponents better than they do themselves and ALTERS the game plan accordingly (a new concept to Lagerback I'm sure). Can we PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get rid of Lagerback now??? I have been saying this for the last three big tournaments..... but just like Mugabe, he seems impossible to move...

Anyways - onwards and upwards and I am now hoping that Russia can win this tournament - they've showed the best spirit and played the most fun football so far.

And Wenger.... please open up the walletski and spendski some rubelski!!

Heja Sverige!

2008-06-17T11:26:00.005+01:00

First baby thing now ordered. Not top priority on any of the "must buy lists" from the books and magz but top of my list...Yes, I know he/she will arrive too late to help us cheer the boys on in the Euro cup but never too early to start promoting "Swedish-ness" is there?

May Zlatan, the flying spagetti monster and other football gods be on our side tomorrow night!

Week 30: Help! Send out a search party!

2008-06-15T13:13:00.000+01:00

Anybody seen my hip bones? All of a sudden they are just not there anymore... the weirdest feeling and it is freaking me out. As is my diminishing bellybutton... almost nothing there anymore. OK - I do understand this is nothing to panic about and they will come back again post baby in whatever shape... but nobody warned me about how weird it would feel to be MISSING body parts when pregnant... It has been all about this added bump, hormones, extra blood etc...

If they don't come back can you help me set up a search party please?

I love you, ich liebe dich: Zlatan Ibrahimovic!

2008-06-11T11:23:00.003+01:00

Week 29: Holiday whilst pregnant

2008-06-09T12:34:00.002+01:00

Just back from a ten day holiday on Sicily. Our first holiday since we got pregnant, and quite a bit different from our "normal" holidays if still absolutely lovely. We are normally quite active on our holidays but this time we focused on sleeping, reading books and playing cards... think first holiday since I was maybe 15 that I haven't had a single day ruined by hangover... quite a nice side effect really :-)

I have to give Ryan Air a bit of bad press though for being Ryan Air.... First of all they request a "fit to fly" letter from the GP from 28 weeks of pregnance and onwards, and not as all other "normal" airlines who don't need this until week 36 --> Also, they don't give families with young children priority to board, if they haven't paid the £5 extra in advance.... I felt so sorry for all the families with young children that couldn't even find seats together after having thought (logically as every other airline would give them priority) that they placed themselves in the wrong queu and then had to go to the back of the "cattle queu".....

Ryan "how else can we inconvenience you" Air....

They are cheap though, and I don't expect any extras when flying with them - BUT common sense like helping out families with young children etc doesn't really cost anything does it?

Week 27: "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"

2008-05-27T13:07:00.006+01:00

Entering the 3rd and final trimester now... getting closer to kick off... scary stuff!! But am feeling on top of the world at the moment after having spent the weekend with, well - "probably the best baby in the world" (if Carlsberg did babies...) and her lovely parents in Dublin area, where this "the best real life advert for parenthood" lives. If we can have a baby 1/5 as cute and well behaved, we will be laughing all the way to graduation....

Am still having my mother to come over to help out just after shrimp has been born though, and as I am in charge of booking the ticket, I am thinking that her return ticket will be set somewhere around.... 2026.....

Or maybe we can have Queen Prawn a.k.a Maria Poppins stay with us for 18 years???

Week 26: Me, the hostess!

2008-05-20T11:49:00.004+01:00

The bubbles/kicks/movements are getting stronger now, and it is very clear that there is a life inside me. Separate from me really, just kind of enjoying hanging around inside me for a while... It is like I am a hostess to this new person, providing somewhere to sleep, and constant supply of food... like a B&B.

My body currently contains two sets of everything.... two brains, two sets of lungs, four arms, four legs, two hearts etc... Spooky.

Shouldn't I then be able to remember more instead of less with two brains - and have a higher lung capacity instead of wheezing away every time I walk up stairs?

Clearly doesn't work that way for us hostesses.

Where is my lollipop?

2008-05-14T12:41:00.005+01:00

Been to see the midwife this morning (again, very impressed by the quality of these people at the NHS!) - and everything was fine. The babys heartbeat was there, very fast (normal). Cool to listen to. All my values were normal and I got the comment "all looks perfectly healthy".

Is it just me, or is it normal to feel taller and prouder after having been told that everything looks good at a doctors/dentists office? Makes me feel like 4 years old again, proud to be told I am healthy and looking to get that lollipop or book mark as a reward for being brave/good etc.

Where is my lollipop though?

Week 25: Personality change

2008-05-12T10:59:00.002+01:00

Have been in Stockholm over the weekend for a hen do for one of my "wonder woman" friends, we can simply call her "craaaaaazy" :-) Such a fabulous weekend with fantastic weather, lovely group of girls and fun activities. One of these activities was a "Fangarna pa Fortet" type treasure hunt (Fort Boyard or something like that in the English version) at Vaxholms kastell on a beautiful island outside Stockholm. This is highly competitive and involves running between different stations and completing the tasks correctly and within the time limit given.

In my mind I was running at the front egging my group on.... driving to win, whatever the cost... as I always am when there is a competition going on... but my body didn't agree with that... my body said "we need to walk at the end of the group, maybe jog just a little bit, and for some of the tasks, we will have to sit down and rest"... Really weird. My mind is the same as it has always been (except a bit soggier at times...) but the rest of me don't follow its' lead anymore.... Weird.

Also had time to meet up with another group of friends for a lovely picnic in the sun on the sunday. Same group of people as always, but with lots of new, tiny people.... a bit of a different dynamic than usual, dads pretending to be horses with little people on their backs, birthday cakes with a small persons foot print in the middle of it etc etc. Really really nice to meet up with all the great friends with or without the little people additions though and was a bit sad to leave Stockholm this time.

However, when I came home the H and I had a lovely dinner in our newly upgraded garden and looked at the stars, and it felt great to be home as well.

Life is pretty good, even with this new personality!

Damned be that Sun.....

2008-05-08T10:26:00.002+01:00

Gorgeous weather in London now, sunny, around 25 degrees... Damned that sun. Cycling to and from work along the river is pure torture as all I can think of is how incredibly nice those pitchers of cold beer and iced white wine looks and all I want to do is hang around the river in the sun with good friends and drink shit loads of cold alcoholic beverages... It has actually been quite ok without the booze the last two months, I've been pleasantly surprised. But with the sun the cravings are back....

Just to let you know I am not all unhealthy in my thoughts - I also really miss running along the river - but that is impossible with my pained hips at the moment. Have not really found any fun exercise to do whilst pregnant but do it anyways... swimming, a bit of weights, cycling, and joined a bouncy "maternally fit" class locally once a week. That is quite fun actually - around 10 pregnant ladies on swiss balls bouncing about for an hour, must look very amusing to an outsider... but not as amusing as we find the "stick men" as we call them... The class is in a youth centre that has all sorts of evening classes going on and at the same time as our "bouncy mama" class, there are about 15 middle aged men with beer bellies, dressed in black, trying to look all hard and walking around a room slowly moving big sticks around... some sort of martial arts but always makes the bouncy mamas want to sneak a peak to have a laugh :-)

Well well. It is not for ever. You will hopefully see me running along the river with a sporty buggy with a baby happily sleeping in it and after the breastfeeding period also stopping to have a drink by the river in the sun.

It can still be very sunny and warm in December right?

Week 24: Music quiz with shrimp

2008-05-04T21:38:00.002+01:00

Spent a couple of hours lounging on the sofa today wasting time with a music quiz on my ipod. Had the doughnut speaker with the ipod in it on my tummy, and got some help from Shrimp... there were very strong bubbles when the music was on :-)

I think shrimp will be a music expert! :-)

Hurrah! My package was finally delivered by UPS...

2008-04-30T15:06:00.002+01:00

Never using them again!

Week 23: Nesting!

2008-04-27T22:04:00.002+01:00

I have heard that pregnant women have a strong urge to get their houses in tip top shape before the baby arrives, and I had some very strong moments of this "nesting" need this weekend. Walking around our house, I panicked, thinking we would never get it sorted before the baby arrives, and... (drama pause) ...what if he/she is early? I stressed this to the H, and admitted that I did actually know in my head that the baby wasn't going to turn around in the door after arriving here saying "no, that is not good enough... I can't believe you guys are expecting me to live here, I am off to somewhere better..." - I felt that we needed to touch up absolutely everywhere very quickly.... This made him laugh and label me a "reasonable unreasonable".

Today when I am walking around the house I am loving everything about it...

Insomnia, Backache, Heartburn and "Out of breathness"

2008-04-26T00:29:00.003+01:00

Just as I was telling everyone that I was feeling great in this middle trimester with no problems at all, I am now experiencing Insomnia, Backache, Heartburn and constant "Out of breathness - all at the same time. Joy. And I have a very strong need to clean out all closets and cupboards. If the H wasn't sleeping sweetly upstairs would have a go at the closets...

By the way - the latest twist regarding the UPS total incompetent story - my package has now been delivered to a nice lady in Kent... Nice, because she was honest enough to report the mistake so UPS now has to pick up package again, and then attempt to redeliver to me.... To be continued....

Absolute Incompetence spells UPS....

2008-04-23T17:56:00.002+01:00

This is not what this blog is for, but I am so angry have to let it out somehow - can't bother to go into details so let's just say, take my advice and never ever ever order any goods for home delivery if the company you order from, use UPS for their deliveries..... This is the second day I have specifically arranged to work from home when they choose to not turn up and the people at customer service must share one brain cell between them as they are the most stupid, lame and non-service friendly people I have EVER come across... I now have the option to treck all across London to pick up the package at a depot in East London, or trust them a third time... NEVER EVER using them again!!!! Have used a number of other delivery services recently so have a benchmark too, they are in a shit league of their very very own.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh

Week 22: Bubbles!

2008-04-21T16:56:00.003+01:00

I have had these small bubbly movements going on for a while, but they were so rare and infrequent that I wasn't sure if they were the baby moving, or just wind... By mid last week they started increasing in frequency and strength, and so it was clear to me that it is the little baby moving around causing the bubbles. Now it is happening several times during the day, and always at night when lying down to sleep.

They are such a gentle and sweet reminder about what is in there and makes me smile every time.

Week 21: Weird pregnant dreams

2008-04-15T19:55:00.002+01:00

Am remembering my dreams a lot more these days because I keep waking up 2-3 times in the early morning hours, and have discovered a bit of a theme.... Here the last three dreams I've had:

- My dad is being chased by bears... I am behind him and there are bears next to me and behind me as well. I am walking next to the bears around me and they are content with letting me do so. I know that if I start running they will chase me though and I have no chance outrunning them, and ahead of me is dad struggling to keep ahead of the bears and I desparately want to run to him to help.....
- I am a nanny in a very messy family and it is up to me to fix all sorts of problems.....
- A group of animals depending on water to survive in a pond. All of a sudden all the water disappears and they are quickly dying... It is up to me to save them and I am running around finding shades so at least the sun don't get to them directly....

No need for Freud to interpret these dreams is there? They all stress me with responsibility for another person(s)/animals and I alone can fix these problems.... (where is the H in these dreams I wonder? Better not be any truth in them...) Also of course always wake up really really thirsty... hence the dried up pond - and I must have seen the Fosters commercial a bit too many times.... (the one where the lads are stealing shades to drink their beer in)

Or maybe I am just craving beer....

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!! Pregnancy and emotional football games - not a good match

2008-04-08T21:39:00.004+01:00

Am actually crying.... and just hung up on my brother who called me the exact second the final whistle blew. Screamed down the line "You are such a bad winner, I really don't want to talk with you right now, and simply hung up on him. Don't think I have ever done that before...

Reason: Arsenal just lost the champions league quarterfinal to Liverpool in a very emotional game that kept me on edge of the sofa from beginning to end...

Me: Arsenal supporter
Brother: Liverpool supporter

Bah. Pregnancy hormones and emotional football games are clearly not a good match.

Need ice cream.

20 Weeks: Half way there!

2008-04-06T15:25:00.003+01:00

Today we are at the 20 week mark, i.e half way there. Time for some reflection:

- I feel much better than at the beginning that is for sure, but still very tired. Think I have learnt to adapt to the changes much better now and also accepted that I have to say no to activities as too little energy etc. It is also much easier to focus on the positives - not sure if this is that I have had some time to get used to the transition or if the hormones are less destructive now - doesn't really matter, main thing is that I am able to focus on the positives :-) I also bizarrly feel less fat and hideous now, even though I am bigger than ever before. It is now a clear pregnant tummy and all focused in one place. Guess that helps.

- I still haven't felt any movements and can't wait until I do. Everybody says that is when it becomes more real and very exciting. Come on baby - kick me! :-) (have a feeling I may regret those words later on when I can't sleep due to kicks and somersaults...)

- I do however feel very protective towards the little life inside me. This was proven the other day when three kids in hoods rammed my bike when cycling home from work. Three 12-14 year old boys first overtook me from behind and touched my back wheel a little, thinking this was by mistake I just politely told them to take it easy. Laughing they then went for an older lady in front of me and made her stop cycling as they ran into her. Having made sure she was ok, I cycled on. A bit further on, I passed them chatting and giving passers by evil looks. A bit later they again caught up with me. One of them ran into my back wheel and the other the front wheel. Nothing happened really, didn't even stumble but I got so incredibly angry and started chasing after them screaming stuff I don't wish to repeat here - got my camera phone ready, and told them to stop so I could get a good picture of them - that got them cycling really fast I tell you...... I realized afterwards when the adrenalin had stopped pumping through my head that all I was thinking of was if I had fallen and hurt baby, and all the anger came from that protectiveness. Pretty cool feeling actually!

So, half way there and all good really. However if anyone says anything along the lines of "almost there now" or "not long now" I will punch them where it hurts!! Hear that H!!?

Intercultural reactions

2008-03-30T12:38:00.008+01:00

So, telling people at work now. I have quite a mixed international group of colleagues, and noticed that my German colleagues in particular had a bit of a different reaction than my other colleagues. Here is the typical exchange of words after I've shared our news:

With English, Swedish, Dutch and American colleagues:

1. The normal congratulary noises, maybe some advice stuck in there, maybe some anecdote about their children or something like that.
2. Then, back to business - questions along the line of "When are you due?" When are you planning to go on maternity leave", "Who will cover for you" and "When will you be back?"

- For the Swedish reaction add something along the lines of "Are you on a UK contract or a Swedish contract?" and when they find out I am on a UK contract "Oh dear... how long maternity leave do you get?" and then always very surprised that I get 9-12 months.... Swedes always assuming it is much worse in the UK than Sweden (which it is in some ways which I need to blog about at a later date, but not in others and never as bad as we tend to think...)

With my German colleagues:

1. As the above, exactly the same
2. "So, when are you leaving us"?

??? Not a word about coming back... after some quiet time I then add "...but I am coming back"... and they react with mild surprise at this, and maybe something like "so, there is good child care in the UK?" with a slightly surprised voice. A female German colleague even shared with me that she and her boyfriend are planning to move to the US when she gets pregnant as "this bloody country just don't get the working mum thing".

Ok - so I think I work with very conservative Germans and of course there are different options in Germany too, but can't help but wonder whatever happened after the reunion with DDR? Did nothing of the equality from the East drip into the West?

Final note: It is not that I disagree with women choosing to stop working to be stay at home mums, quite the contrary, it is beautiful - IF and WHEN this was their choice. As it is equally great when dads choose to do the same, as well as when couples choose to organize other help as they are both working. Every way works as long as you love and care for your family. I am just against not offering choices to people that is all.

Anyways, I am very glad to live in a country/city where choice is ripe and people tend to find their own ways that suit their lifes the best!

Week 19: The seven dwarfs in one person

2008-03-30T12:18:00.005+01:00

Sleepy - most of the time, especially at parties from around 21.00....
Grumpy - quite a lot of the time
Dopey - always
Bashful - hmmm, maybe not obvious and not very often, but it does happen, especially when people I don't know that well wants to touch my stomache and talk to me about my pregnancy...
Doc - like to think I have some words of wisdom to share every now and then
Happy - quite a lot of the time when I am not grumpy
Sneezy - always

Add to these seven Bitchy, Smelly and Bloaty and you have a pretty good description of me.....

Hey Ho, Hey ho....

An ode to all the single mums-to-be - and the H!

2008-03-26T13:48:00.005Z

It was 4 years ago yesterday that the H and I met for the first time on the dancefloor of our favorite indie London joint... Went out to celebrate last night with dinner at our favorite restaurant (Ciao Bella, best Italian in London!) and a show (The 39 steps - very well made and funny!) and some nice and thoughtful presents going both ways.

It got me thinking how incredibly lucky I am to have found such a great partner, and even though I sulk and moan sometimes about that I have to do the majority of the work in the pregnancy stage - he is as supportive and involved that he is biologically capable of being... always there, sharing and helping as much as he can.

My thoughts then went out to all the women who are doing this on their own... I am in awe. I am realizing that there are plenty of other support to get from friends and family etc, but it still must be pretty lonely and tough when all those hormones are playing with your mind, and you don't have a partner there to hold your hand, and be part of the whole experience. Hang in there, all superwomen out there, and get help whenever and whereever you can!

And the H - you are simply the best!

Week 18: REM baby yeah!

2008-03-25T10:10:00.005Z

"The book" says that some research says that babies can recognize voices and songs that they heard repeatedly when they were in the womb when they are born.... I find it fun to watch the H face crunch up when I mention this after having been to a football game (we support rivaling teams in North London and both have seasons tickets this year, needless to say the baby gets more exposure to my team right now :-)

The H suggested that we should agree on some specific music to play repeatedly to the baby now, at times when we think he/she is at most calmest/happiest in there, and maybe we can then use that music to subliminally remind him/her of that feeling once out of the safe womb... and it will have to be R.E.M... my all time favorites, and the H likes them as well. Went to a fantastic R.E.M concert last night at the Royal Albert Hall and it was very clear. The voice of Michael Stipe always makes me feel good inside, so should impact baby too.

A few suitable titles as well:

"Catapult" and "Everybody Hurts" - for giving birth...
"Nightswimming","Try not to breathe" "Daysleeper" - for when still in the womb...
"Begin the begin", "Get up", "Stand" "Walk, unafraid" - some first advice when out...

Let's just hope that "The wrong child" will not ever be relevant though....

Below are the beginning of the lyrics to "Walk unafraid" which I think is a great song. Find your own way baby!

As the sun comes up, as the moon goes down
These heavy notions creep around
It makes me think
Long ago I was brought into this life,
a little lamb A little lamb
Courageous, stumbling
Fearless was my middle name
But somewhere there
I Lost my way
Everyone walks the same
Expecting me to step
The narrow path they've laid
They claim to(chorus)

Walk unafraid
I'll be clumsy instead
Hold me love me or leave me High

"EVERYTHING you do annoys me right now"

2008-03-19T13:25:00.008Z

Heard in the car last night:

Me: Please stop sucking on that lollipop so loudly

The H: Yes dear

Me: Can you not fiddle with the aircon please?

The H, exasperated...: Yes dear

Me: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... I am so sorry but EVERYTHING you do annoys me right now... I know I am being unreasonable but am just so IRRITATED

The H, giggling now: Yes dear...

Poor H, he has to put up with a lot of hormonal bitchiness these days. In my defence, I was in an especially rotten mood because:

1. I had just come back from a frustrating workshop in Germany, was very tired and fed up
2. I had to go straight from the airport to the car pound to pick up my clamped car and pay £250 for the pleasure (my fault, had park on yellow line that I didn't see the night before...)
3. EVERYONE seems to be going skiing right now - and I can't go.... My nr 1 passion and I haven't missed a skiing trip a year since.... 1990 when I lived in Florida.....

Grrrrrr. I think I am turning into Lilla My....

Week 17: It is not a baby after all - it is just a huge amount of trapped wind!?

2008-03-17T22:26:00.003Z

Right now I have such a bloated stomache that I feel certain that there is not a baby in there - just a huge amount of trapped wind that no "samarin" in the world can fix...

Well, not really, but I want to see the shrimp again... just to know it's there kind of - it's been a long time since the ultrasound now, and as I am feeling much better (you were all right about it getting easier in the middle bit!! have much more energy and even though I am still bored sometimes I find it easier to cope and focus on the positives), it is sometimes hard to understand that there really is a little life growing inside me... The picture from the ultrasound looks a bit alien (speaking of which, better not see that film during pregnancy...). Portable ultrasound machines anyone? A new business idea maybe?

Anyways, am starting to show now, so good thing that I told my managers last week. They made all the right congratulatory noises and said all the right things "of course you get a new contract" etc. So far so good - now it is up for them to also "walk the walk" and deliver... Fingers crossed.

Backed to forced burping. Aint I just the ladeeeeeey eh?

A new vocabulary of pains and aches...

2008-03-12T20:49:00.004Z

Have been to my first "parental information evening" tonight, called "Take care of yourself". Partners not allowed to this one. What is really was, was a scary long list of various pains and aches that can happen to pregnant women. I have learnt a whole new vocabulary tonight, like Sacro Llilac joint pains, pelvic girdle pain, Carpal tunnel syndrome, Coccyx pain etc etc. Good thing I am not a hypocondriac!

It was a sweet midwife in her fifties that ran the session. Am sure her heart was in the right place, but she seemed a bit out of touch with her audience - addresing us like we were housewifes in the fifties or something, able to take long breaks in the middle of the day watching day time TV and eating pralines..... Can't speak for the whole room but I chatted with three other ladies; one a camera woman at the BBC, another Marketing executive at Universal and the third an attorney. Ah well. No harm done.

Anyways, sure it is useful to know what to look out for, but part of me thinks it's better not to know all these things. Not sure what is best really, know too much about what is going on and could potentially happen, or know too little (like in my mum's days when they didn't have much knowledge, ultrasound or anything). As always, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

I will stick to "the book" and my friends advice of course.

We are all actors, playing different roles...

2008-03-10T04:58:00.000Z

The first time I went for a haircut with my favorite hairdresser in Stockholm many years ago, he started the consultation by sitting down with me for a coffee and a chat. He asked a lot of questions about the different roles I played, and what images I wanted to convey. His point was that for him to be able to advice on a haircut, he needed to understand the different aspects of my personality and life. He had a very good point... When I had to think about it, I realized that I had very different roles to play already then; At work I needed to look professional and "clean cut", after work I wanted a much more playful and funky look, then there was the sport and holiday activities where I needed to have a very simple look etc etc.

My point being that we are all actors playing different roles in life. I am slightly different at work than I am with my husband, my friends etc. I have many different interests that require slightly different approaches (not just hair styles :-).

When I told the world that I was pregnant, a new role was added to this list, the "mum-to-be".

Now when I speak with friends, family and relative strangers after that revelation, it seems that they only see the newest role addition - the mum-to-be role, which leaves me feeling a little bit lost. A friend who is just about to give birth called it a minor identity crisis. Yes, a very important and lifechanging new role has been added to my repertoire, and a few of my old roles are temparily dormant for health reasons, but I didn't take any roles away - I am still the same person playing all those different parts...

Week 16: Are pregnant women not supposed to be working in the business world?

2008-03-09T17:03:00.002Z

Ignored "the book" advice to wait with buying maternity clothes as can't really work in Billabong T-shirts... and went on a shopping spree yesterday. Went to three different maternity clothes stores before I found a little gem, a small boutique on Kensington Church Street that had been spotted by my very helpful friend BB. They had "normal looking" clothes that don't look like maternity wear at all and are extremely comfortable. Nowhere though, did I find a suit for work... which is my most urgent need right now.

Are pregnant women not supposed to be working in the business world?

Three colourful parrots amongst a group of penguins!

2008-03-06T16:14:00.001Z

Am sitting in an airport lounge in Germany and am a bit bored. Amusing myself with a little personal survey....

In this lounge, that I can see where I sit, there are currently:

42 people in total
39 of these 42 are men
31 of the 39 men wear a black or very dark blue suit / 3 wear a grey suit and 5 wear a dark pin striped suit.
Of the 3 women, there is one dark suit but with a bright turqouise top underneath, one lady with a bright red top and black skirt, and myself with a black jacket and dark green skirt.

We stand out like three colourful parrots amongst a group of penguins....

My little experiement prooves that: More women in business would provide much more colour to our lives!

Can't wait to get fat(ter)!?

2008-03-06T16:09:00.002Z

This is definately the first time in my life (always had a couple of kilos too many around the waist) that I can say this, but I can't wait until I get fat(ter) and it really shows that I am pregnant. Right now I am just uncomfortable in most clothes and feel and look a bit chubbier than normal.

Anyways, this was meant to be a big big THANK YOU to all my wonderful friends who have responded to my post "Does anyone really enjoy being pregnant" either on here, or offline. All of you have said pretty much the same, that you also found it difficult and boring but that it got easier around week 20 when you are showing and can also feel the kicks and stuff, and also to enjoy the healthy lifestyle and don't beat myself up about not having as much energy as before. Mostly it was nice to hear that I don't seem to be missing a "pregnancy glow gene" - this thing about women loving being pregnant is probably made up by men, who wants to feel ok about them not having to do much until the baby is born...

THANK YOU all you wonderful people taking the time and energy to give me your feedback and advice, truly, really appreciate this!!!

Indie Shrimp

2008-03-01T03:20:00.001Z

The Book says that little shrimp can now hear sounds outside of the womb.

What a responsibility!! We are doing our best to ensure we have an Indie kid and putting the shrimp through as many indie gigs and generally playing as much good music around it as we possibly can.

Imagine the horror of having children who likes mainstream rubbish like the future equivalent of "one hit blunder" extremely annoying Blunt something, or horror of horrors; Swedish Schlager...

Have to go and put some CSS on... the shrimps new favorite band.

YES YES YES!!!

NO NO NO!!!

Week 15: Does anyone really enjoy being pregnant?

2008-03-01T03:04:00.000Z

Am on a dip in the roller coaster tonight and wondering if other pregnant women know something I don't? A lot of women around me say how wonderful it is/was to be pregnant, and I am seriously curious about what I am missing. I am not finding it wonderful at all, in fact, I would like nothing more than to be done with it now, and not have another 25 weeks or so to go.

Spent my Friday night at home in front of TV on my own. The H had a work thing. I was invited to join some friends to go to a punky bar in Camden, which normally would be just my thing, but didn't have enough energy to trek all the way there, knowing I'd probably like to go home again a couple of hours later. So been wallowing in my loneliness and boredom a bit.

Thing is that I find it incredibly boring to be pregnant.... it negatively impacts my energy levels, my social life, my holiday plans, my fitness regime, my mood, my everything.....

BUT and this is important, I wouldn't want to "undo" the pregnancy, no way. I am genuinely very happy that the H and I can and will start a family together (touch wood all goes well). I am also very greatful that we are able to get pregnant at all in the first place. Nothing to take for granted at my age (or any age really), so don't want to sound too much of an ungreatful and selfish bitch (just a little bit...)

It is just that I see these 40 weeks as a neccessary evil that I have to go through for a big reward at the end and not something to enjoy, and if all those women who say the love/d being pregnant really mean/t that, please fill me in on your secrets!

My mum said "it is going to be nine very long, and very tough months..." when she found out that I was pregnant....

As always, Mum knows best.

We ARE in f-ing Europe....

2008-02-27T16:20:00.001Z

I have lived in the UK for 8.5 years now, and I will never stop getting really annoyed when people from the UK say that they are "going over to Europe". YOU ARE ALREADY IN EUROPE YOU IGNORANT LIMEY!

Heard an ad on the radio today on a London station, from a major airline:

- wow, where did Pete get that amazing tan?
- haven't you heard? Airline XX are flying TO EUROPE for as little as £XX?

Firstly, how can you fly to somewhere where you are already, and secondly, where in Europe do you get an amazing tan in February?? Traceys tanning salon in Essex??

Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

Thank the flying spagetti monster for that!

2008-02-25T19:51:00.001Z

Big big big sigh of relief today. Got the test results back from the lab, and we are LOW risk for Downs syndrome. You can never know for sure of course, but we are not in the category where they suggest more tests. Thank the flying spagetti monster for that!!! Now we can relax and also be honest to friends (we wanted to wait until these results were in, considering my age and all you get a bit scared about this stuff from all you read).

So apologies to friends we have lied to in the recent past.... I wasn't on a detox / driving was an excuse not to drink / no, I was never on antibiotics....

Phew.

Important note: Those of you who know me, and where I work - please don't tell anyone that I work with though!!! Not ready to tell them yet. Thanks!!

PS: The flying spagetti monster is the god I worship see here if interested: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster DS

Week 14: Where to go?

2008-02-24T13:17:00.000Z

Trying to book a well deserved holiday for myself and the H, and finding it really difficult to find somewhere suitable taking into consideration that our normal holidays are not recommended for pregnant women (diving, skiing or other adventurous trips) and also, need to have "proper" food and stay out of the Malaria belt....

The H trying to be helpful suggested a wine district tour in SA..... he was not trying to be funny, he just didn't think.....

Where to go... where to go..... ???

Self-fulfilling prophecy...

2008-02-19T23:08:00.000Z

I am at a conference with work today. A normally quite boozy affaire, so I had prepared a white lie that I had a throat infection and on anti-biotics therefore can't drink.

When I made this up, I had no cold or anything going on. That was yesterday.

Guess how I am feeling today?......

Week 13: Why are we doing this again?

2008-02-18T09:43:00.000Z

Hurrah! It is the end of the first trimester - now I should (according to "the book") get renewed energy and not be so tired all the time (the book also says that this may simply be because I'd have gotten used to the tiredness etc by now...) Still waiting to feel less tired, but sure it will be here soon.

Had a wonderful weekend away with the H at a hotel with SPA on the seaside of England. It is easy to forget how close London is to the sea sometimes, so we decided it was time to remind ourselves. It was fantastic and relaxing, but can't help but really miss the old days when instead of going to bed ridiculously early saturday night (massage gave me a headache... and so did the football match from hell we watched at the hotel, my team was totally and utterly useless) we would go out on one of our silly evenings with lots of nice food, wine and silliness...

Also got slightly depressed at lunch in a country pub which was filled with kids and babies and the sound volume was extremely high, with both kids and babies screaming but even worse - their parents screaming in high-pitched voices, and chasing kids around the restaurant......

Why are we doing this again?

Billabong vs pinstriped suits

2008-02-14T09:27:00.001Z

Complained to the H that nothing fits in the wardrobe anymore, "well, that is part of being pregnant" he very helpfully stated.... Yep, fat I am, but it doesn't look a bit like a baby yet, just fat... "The book" says it is too early to go out and spend lots of money on a maternity wardrobe and advices to borrow big T-shirts and Jeans from your partner to bridge you over...

Well... kind of think that the immaculately pinstriped men at work would raise one or two eyebrows if I turned up for a client meeting in baggy jeans and a big Billabong T-shirt...

Week 12: A REAL baby with a monster claw

2008-02-13T09:54:00.001Z

Had our first "real" scan today (the one with the shrimp was too early), and it looks like a real baby now!! Hurrah, we are not having a shrimp. He/She moved around like crazy and showed off his/her headstanding skills etc. Absolutely amazing! This little thing is inside me? Just six cm long, but complete with two legs, two arms, two brain halfs (yep, we could even see the two sides of the brain...), a tiny little nose, and a monster claw (must be a sign of a strong personality!).

Probably the cutest six cm baby in the world!

Now they are doing the tests, and we will have the risk analysis in about a week. I am stupidly nervous about this, just want to know that everything is ok - or at least that the odds are on our side. You never know for sure. Another challenge for control freaks like me and the H. Fingers crossed there aren't any nasty surprises in my blood. Yep - the vampires struck again today; needed more blood they said.

Yeah right. The Queen vampire must have been hungry.

Week 11: Sursnipa

2008-02-13T09:49:00.000Z

Not even going to attempt to translate this word; Sursnipa. Inside joke to my Swedish friends. But what it means is that I have been a bitter and twisted bitch this week. Totally true. The H got the most part of the rage (although should apologize to scared looking young Polish receptionist at the gym as well... a couple of people at work, friends... well everyone really).

On Thursday, the normally very considerate Husband said "A couple of drinks after work, then I'll be home for dinner" which eventually turned into him and a colleague falling into the house around midnight then having some wine and snacks in the kitchen talking with those extremely loud voices that drunk people use when they think they are quiet....

Four things sursnipan doesn't like about this:

1. I like to know when the H is having a big night so I can make counter plans
2. I like to sleep, and can't sleep until the H is in bed with me (not his fault this one though, even sursnipan realizes this)
3. I get insanely jealous that he can still have a fun social life (I would have normally joined him and his colleages, can't help feeling a bit isolated and left out, is it really fair that men only have to provide a short moment of pleasure to create a life, and women take ALL the rest until the baby is born? Can't we expect some social consideration at least)
4. Then finally, I feel bad about nr 3, as I would so much like to be the bigger person and be ok with the H having a good time without me... possibly the worst feeling of them all.

I promised myself never to become a "Sursnipa".... however that was in the days when I was the girl in the pub hearing about guys "boring wifes/girlfriends" who never wanted to go out or for them to be out having fun.....

The other shoe isn't very comfortable at all....

Week 10: The NHS is run by vampires!

2008-02-13T09:45:00.006Z

Had our first midwife appointment today including an ultrasound scan. We thought we were having a baby, but we really are having a shrimp! About 3 cm long shrimp. Amazing. Also found out we are one week less than we thought so can’t do any of the dreaded tests this week.... Have to wait another two weeks.

The H is convinced that vampires are running the hospitals in England... they took four containers of blood for me, and he reckons that 75% of that goes straight to the vampire queen.

I do hope they are not planning to keep our little vampire shrimp when it's born?

Vampires or not, very sweet and competent midwifes. Very impressed. Also, a fairly new hospital wing that doesn't feel like the 3rd world (like any other NHS experience I have had during my 9 years in blighty) and best news of all, I don't have to go back to my awful GP in that dirty looking house with the most stupid receptionist of all times... they can send me to a local health centre in between hospital visits. Y ippey! It can only be better!!

Weeks 9: Unpasteurized cheese, predator fish and alcohol

2008-02-13T09:45:00.005Z

Bored, bored and even more bored this week. Am avoiding social events, as don't want to lie to friends and other people about why I am not drinking.... which of course results in total boredom. Can't wait until we feel safe to tell the world. Surely things will be easier then.

Had an offsite work confererence in the countryside of Sweden this week. Thank the flying spagettimonster that I only work with men... A woman would surely have seen through me, and known I was pregnant by the first coffee break... There were unpasteurized cheese, predator fish, and lots of fantastic wines on offer that I had to navigate around (quite clumsily...)

Three signs of pregnancy in one day.... but I got away with it. I think....

Week 8: Dehydrated Vampire...

2008-02-13T09:45:00.003Z

I am very lucky because so far (knock on wood) I haven't had to throw up. I am feeling constantly nauseus though. Especially triggered by smells like scented candles, fried food, garbage, smokers, alcohol smelling husbands.....

However, I now know that I never knew what tiredness was before. I know we hear about this from pregnant women (not to mention new parents... I guess this is just a boot camp to get ready...) all the time, but it IS quite mindblowing. Read in "the book" (I got this book that tells you week by week what happens) that there would normally be 3% of my blood stream going to my uterus, when pregnant that increases to 25%..... wow. Even though everything in the body speeds up now, blood moves quicker, metabolism is higher etc (although I know I will be big as a house anyways) that has got to be exhausting, all that blood travelling through to the little shrimp. He/She is also extraordinarily thirsty... i am constantly dehydrated and need to fill up on water every two minutes.

I think the shrimp must be a very dehydrated vampire....

Week 7: Sharing the news with BB

2008-02-13T09:44:00.000Z

Agreed with the H, that it would be ok to share the great news with my best buddy, BB. So during a loooong walk and an even looooonger lunch I got to talk and talk and talk about the changes, and get supportive advice from wise BB. It was pure bliss. She may not have her own children yet, but knows more about the process than most mums... and her sweet involvement in the whole adventure is heartwarming.

My husband is GREAT to talk with, best in the whole wild world, but let's face it... he is a man... and other than the H, we have only shared with our parents, and whilst both my mum and the mum in law are also very supportive, it is more than 35 years ago they had their last babies (= the H and I...) so their insights is limited (however the mum in law is quite well read on most subjects including child birth and asked me if I had considered a pool birth, when I said no, she said she didn't blame me, as wouldn't you be scared of the baby drowning? Very cute :-).

Week 6: Twin Peaks

2008-02-13T09:36:00.000Z

First party to attend, as pregnant, this week, and as we are not ready to share, have to come up with a good excuse to not drink. Good thing it is January - a lot of people go on detox this part of the year, so that was my excuse..... Think they even went for it.....

The H promised not to get too drunk, so that I could have someone to talk with, that kind of worked for about 1/3 of the party - then he joined the other mentally retarded group of incoherent and weird people.

Before I write anything else, you need to understand that I am an equally big party person as the H, and most of my friends. I surround myself with people that like to have fun and we usually, all of us, get into that weird state of alcohol induced stupidness. So I have no high horses to sit on.

So this is just a finding. Being sober around drunk people is downright scary. Not to mention boring as you can't really talk with them, when they escape into that weird state of mind where only other drunk people can reach them.

Like being behind the red curtain of Twin Peaks really.....

Week 5: My husband aint no Jaffa!

2008-02-13T09:28:00.000Z

There were a few signs around christmas at my parents house.... my period was late but more importantly, I simply couldn't face drinking Schnapps with the christmas dinner (Swedish tradition... something I normally like), it was physically impossible.... so the H and I escaped the family claws, bought a stick, and went into the local coffee house so that I could use their toilet... and, it was BLUE. We were pregnant! Went out to the H and as we were in a public place, couldn't scream and shout, but we could smile. And smile we did. We simply couldn't stop!

We decided to tell my family right away - and then to tell the H family at New Years. Utter joy everywhere (except mum who said "ahhhh, I wish you would have told me MUCH later so I didn't have to worry for SUCH a LONG time" - hmmm... thanks for that note or reassurance mum...but I know that worrying is how she shows love, or something - anyways, she means well!)

The H wanted to send texts to all his mates saying "I aint no jaffa"... but I stopped him.